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Thread: Joke of the Day

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    Charter Gold tosugrad's Avatar
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    Joke of the Day

    Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven for
    judgement .
    At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, 'since you've been such a good man
    and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
    out with anyone you want in Heaven.'

    Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out
    with God. I have a question for Him'.
    St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. He
    then asked God,
    'Aren't you the inventor of women?'
    God Said, 'Ah, yes. Indeed I am'.
    'Well,' said Mr Honda, 'Professional to professional, you have some
    major design flaws in your design.'

    1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
    2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
    3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
    4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
    5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don't
    even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs.

    'Hmmmm, you do raise some good points 'replied God, 'Lets have a wee look.'
    God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited
    for the results.
    After a moment God said, 'Well, it may be true that my invention seems to
    be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
    than yours..'
    2005 Ford GT
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    1991 Black/Black - Gone

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    Registered User Dtrigg's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Thanks.
    Hobbies: Staring, hypnotising small animals, lighting firecrackers and cooking with WD-40. Check with Ken about Bumper Dumper franchise opportunities in your area.

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    Charter Platinum davidf's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Excellent.
    NSX, making drivers smile since 1991.

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    Registered User Danny's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Oh good....we need some humor to lighten things up.

    Three guys die and head to the pearly gates where they are greeted by Peter.

    Peter says to the first guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?" "Absolutely, never even looked at another woman," he replies. Peter looks at his notes, confirms the man's answer and then welcomes him into heaven. "For your years of faithful behavior you are welcomed into heaven and your prize is a Acura NSX-R ." Guy #1 is happier then a pig in ShXt!

    He then asks the second guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?" "Well sort of, I've never slept with another woman, but I love PORN!" He confirms the man's answer and lets him into heaven. "For your faithful behavior your are welcomed into heaven and your prize is this Honda Civic." Guy #2 is happy to have made it in.

    Hey then asks the last guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?" "Nope, I've slept with a dozen or so women while I was married including her best friend and her sister, but I truly regret it and I wish I could take it back." Peter confirms the story and lets the guy in. "Although you haven't been a pillar of society I'm letting you in but you're getting a Huffy bicycle." Guy #3 is just thrilled he wasn't taking the elevator down.

    A week later the guy on his bike see's the first guy in his NSX-R on the side of the road crying. "DUDE, what's wrong? You're in heaven and riding around in this sweet ride." The guy replies, "I just saw my wife rollerblading by on the sidewalk."

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    Registered User Dtrigg's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    blonde car accident


    One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

    The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

    He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

    Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

    The blonde started laughing.

    This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

    This time the blonde laughed even harder.

    Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

    The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

    The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
    Hobbies: Staring, hypnotising small animals, lighting firecrackers and cooking with WD-40. Check with Ken about Bumper Dumper franchise opportunities in your area.

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    Charter Platinum davidf's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    LOL, great jokes, keep em coming. BTW, I'll be in the civic in heaven. David likes his occasional porn.
    NSX, making drivers smile since 1991.

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    Registered User Dtrigg's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Another blond joke...

    A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
    Hobbies: Staring, hypnotising small animals, lighting firecrackers and cooking with WD-40. Check with Ken about Bumper Dumper franchise opportunities in your area.

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    Charter Platinum gdae's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by davidf View Post
    LOL, great jokes, keep em coming. BTW, I'll be in the civic in heaven. David likes his occasional porn.
    You bring the DVD's, I'll bring the mags.

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    Charter Gold tosugrad's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

    The kid replies, "Yeah."

    The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

    The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

    The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

    Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

    The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
    2005 Ford GT
    2005 Silver/Black - Gone
    1991 Black/Black - Gone

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    Charter Gold tosugrad's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

    Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

    At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    Dearest Wife,

    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

    Your Loving Husband.

    P.S. Sure is hot down here.
    2005 Ford GT
    2005 Silver/Black - Gone
    1991 Black/Black - Gone

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    Registered User Dtrigg's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house...

    Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." Then the ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

    Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

    Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"
    Hobbies: Staring, hypnotising small animals, lighting firecrackers and cooking with WD-40. Check with Ken about Bumper Dumper franchise opportunities in your area.

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    Registered User Dtrigg's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
























    A great a piece ass that brings a tear to your eye.
    Hobbies: Staring, hypnotising small animals, lighting firecrackers and cooking with WD-40. Check with Ken about Bumper Dumper franchise opportunities in your area.

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    Registered User spase's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    What is the first thing a blonde says when she wakes up in the morning?
















    WHO are YOU?
    91 red, 18/19 Advan Kreuzer V, D2 coilovers, uni filter,TAITEC header, TAITEC GTLW, weight reduction, 02rear valance, mode 4 diffuser and type R wing.

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    Charter Platinum F1fan's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    You May Be a Taliban If:

    1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

    2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
    3. You have more wives than teeth.
    4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
    5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
    6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
    7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
    8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
    9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
    10. You havenothing against women ... and think every man should own at least one.
    11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
    12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

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    Registered User Dtrigg's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit so she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

    After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings out his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

    She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"

    He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
    Hobbies: Staring, hypnotising small animals, lighting firecrackers and cooking with WD-40. Check with Ken about Bumper Dumper franchise opportunities in your area.

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    Registered User Dtrigg's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Bob and Tim work at the Atlanta airport as mechanics. One night it's so foggy that airplanes can't leave or land at the airport, so Bob and Tim have nothing to do.

    Bob said to Tim, "I've heard that if you drink jet fuel you can get a real buzz off it."

    They usually have a drink together after work before going home, and now they have nothing to do, so they decide to try drinking some jet fuel. They end up getting an incredible buzz.

    The next day Bob calls Tim and asked him how he feels. Tim said, "Great. Never felt better in my life."

    Bob said he felt good as well. No hangover. And then he said, "There is one drawback, Tim. Have you farted yet?" Tim said, "No why?"

    Bob said, "Because I am calling you from Detroit."
    Hobbies: Staring, hypnotising small animals, lighting firecrackers and cooking with WD-40. Check with Ken about Bumper Dumper franchise opportunities in your area.

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    Charter Platinum mickeylex's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Wife sent me this one:

    Job at the FBI

    The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

    The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

    The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls.

    After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

    MORAL:

    Women are crazy - Don't mess with them.
    --mickeylex

  18. #18
    Charter Gold tosugrad's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    FBI joke is classic!!
    2005 Ford GT
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    1991 Black/Black - Gone

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    Charter Platinum ChopsJazz's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    My wife ran away with a tractor salesman. She sent me a John Deere letter.
    Ken Crowell
    '91 Sebring Silver
    FSTR N U

  20. #20
    NSXPrime Gold alum04org's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    *FEMALE COMPASSION*


    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women walked past and felt sorry for the poor man.
    The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
    The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.



    The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said "Have you ever been fxxkxd?" The fellow said "No."

    She said "You will be when the tide comes in."
    < < < NSX Project Leader Shigeru Uehara signing my glovebox at ALMS Mid-Ohio August, 2007.

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    Registered User ashman's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    So one day Tarzan is swinging through the jungle and he comes upon a beautiful woman, Jane. They begin talking and exchange their life stories up to this point.

    Their conversation eventually turns personal and Jane asks Tarzan how he has satisfied his carnal desires. Tarzan replies, I use hole in rubber tree.

    Jane laughs, then seductively motions between her legs and says no that's all wrong, use this hole instead.

    Tarzan looks at her kinda funny then gives a shrug and swiftly kicks Jane squarely between the legs.

    Jane rolling in agony shouts expletives at Tarzan and asks, what the f*ck did you do that for?

    Tarzan replies, Tarzan not stupid check for bees first.

  22. #22
    Charter Platinum ChopsJazz's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Why do women wear make-up and perfume?









    Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
    Ken Crowell
    '91 Sebring Silver
    FSTR N U

  23. #23
    NSXPrime Gold alum04org's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    SICK guy goes to doctor. Once in exam room, explains he is feeling really bad - like a pair of curtains.
    Doc says "Hell, dude, pull yourself together."


    O K, O K, I know that's really bad. But this thread needed bumped.
    Remember, walk your dog often. But, never play with your neighbor's poodle. (Stolen from XM's Bluesville.)
    < < < NSX Project Leader Shigeru Uehara signing my glovebox at ALMS Mid-Ohio August, 2007.

  24. #24
    Registered User myguitar's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Jose and Maria come to L.A. for a visit and they get in a cab.
    Driver asks them:
    - "Where are you coming from?"
    Jose says:
    - "From Mexico!"
    Maria, not knowing a word of English, asks Jose:
    - "What did he say, what did he say?"
    Jose:
    - "He asked where we're from, I said Mexico."
    Driver:
    - "Which town?"
    Jose:
    - "Mexico City."
    Maria:
    - "What did he say, what did he say?"
    Jose:
    - "He asked what town we're from and I said Mexico City."
    Driver:
    - "I've been to Mexico City and had the worst sex there!"
    Maria:
    - "What did he say, what did he say?" "
    Jose:
    - "He says he's met you!"
    06E46M3ZCP
    Some say he is powered by a warp core, and he has tyre marks instead of fingerprints. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

  25. #25
    Registered User myguitar's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the Day

    Bob and Tim sitting around, Bob asks:
    - "Tim, do you know what's the difference between a shower and a toilet?"
    Tim:
    - "Ummm.... No, what is it?
    Bob:
    - "Oh, so you're the one...."
    06E46M3ZCP
    Some say he is powered by a warp core, and he has tyre marks instead of fingerprints. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

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