Joke of the Day

A blonde, brunette and a redhead worked together in an office, working for a lady that always left work few hours early on Fridays.
- "Hey, ladies," says the brunette, "We should all leave work early too, right after she leaves, and she'll never know!"
They all agree and leave work 20 min after the boss.

The brunette goes out to town and runs some errands.
The redhead goes out for a drink with some friends.
The blonde goes home and finds her husband in bed with her boss. She slowly closes the door, sneaks out of the house and goes back to work.

Come Monday, the ladies get together at lunch and discuss...
"It was great, I got a lot of stuff done," says the brunette.
"I agree, I spent some good quality time with my friends," says the redhead, "I think we should do this again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde, "I almost got caught!"

I'll do one more and let you guys be....

Why does a blonde put postage stamps on her cell phone?
- Because that's how she sends messages.

A man walks into his doctors office...

Man: Doc, I am having this horrible problem with silent farting! I keep having these silent farts- oops there goes one. It's so embarrassing, i keep letting out these silent farts and they smell TERRIBLE- oops there go two in a row.
Doc, you have to help me get rid of these silent farts! What is wrong with me that this keeps happening?

Doctor: Well, first of all, you are going deaf...

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he thinks he knows you."

Different take on H-Cars:

A man walks into the Dr. office....

He says Doc, I have these terrible farts but luckily they don't smell. Whoops, there goes one.

The Dr. leaves and returns. He says, we scheduled you for surgery in the morning.

The man says, so you can fix my arse? The Dr, says, no we are operating on your nose!

My new doctor told me I have to stop masturbating. I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

A duck walks into a pharmacy. He says, "Give me some Chapstick -- and put it on my bill."

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the street?
One was asalted.

Ba-dum-bum

ChopsJazz said:

My new doctor told me I have to stop masturbating. I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Click to expand...

Thats a riot.:tongue:

Michael J Fox walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the counter-hand for an ice cream. The counter-hand asks 'what flavor would you like?'
Michael J Fox says 'it doesn't matter, i'm going to drop it anyway'.

NSX-Stalker said:

Michael J Fox walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the counter-hand for an ice cream. The counter-hand asks 'what flavor would you like?'
Michael J Fox says 'it doesn't matter, i'm going to drop it anyway'.

Click to expand...

Low blow....

:wink: WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH


I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. A short line, just one lady in front of me.....

What was the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
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Einstein's dick :biggrin:

What's a hobo doing on the computer??

Digging through the Recycle Bin!

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically.Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was
pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week"?

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45".

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her
off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing
them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.. As they waited for
her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play; it was hard to keep a grudge against
her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to
golf right-handed or left-handed"?

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth".

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air"?

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late". :tongue:

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there - send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12 percent interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The good 'ole boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

*Fine Police Detective work*


The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held around the outskirts of Shreveport and sent their best Cajun detective to investigate.

He reported back to his Sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin", he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the Sergeant asked.

He replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the Sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he responded, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in de fight."

The Sergeant nodded and said, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

The detective nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

A good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian.."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not desrepect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!"

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years ..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER .... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed .....

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Did you hear about the midget mind reader that escaped from jail?

Yeah, now we have a small medium at large.

My wife told her doctor that every time she sneezes she has an orgasm. Her doctor asked what she is taking for it.

"Right now", she said, "just black pepper."

A NEW YORK LOVE STORY.....


A beautiful young blonde, New York woman, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

'You have so much to live for,' said the man. 'Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.'

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. 'What are you doing here?' asked the captain.
'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she replied. 'He brings me food daily and I get a free trip to Europe ! Plus he's screwing me every night.'

'He certainly is,' replied the captain.
'This is the Staten Island Ferry.'

^^^^^^LMAO. :tongue:

Ok guys here's mine.




Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned.. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get
a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'




Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

If you have an over weight girlfriend just have her walk three miles each morning and three miles each evening. And in just seven days... That fat bitch will be 42 miles away!