Joke of the Day

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:


"Windows frozen, won't open."


Husband texts back:


"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."


Wife texts back 5 minutes later:


"Computer really messed up now."

I've been arguing with my wife today.

She says I spend far too much money on ventilated brake discs, performance pads, high temperature brake fluid, braided brake lines, cooling ducts, etc.......

She thinks it's an addiction, but I disagree.

Honestly, I can stop whenever I want!

Joke of the day: Miami Dolphins

Tonight my wife sat down next to me and asked "what's on the TV?"

I replied.. "Dust"

And that's how the fight started.

A little boy asks grandpa if he can taste some of his whiskey.
Grandpa says "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"
Little boy: "No."
Grandpa: "Then you're too young to have Whiskey!"

Little boy" "Grandpa can I try your Cigar?"
Grandpa: "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"
Little Boy: "No."
Grandpa: "Then you're too young to have a Cigar."

Little boy comes back outside with a plate of fresh baked cookies.
Grandpa: " Can I try one of the cookies?"
Little Boy: "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"
Grandpa: "Yes I can!"
Little Boy: "Good. Go fvck yourself!"

When Insults Had Class...

These glorious insults are from an era “ before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.


A member of Parliament to Disraeli:"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli,"whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."




"He had delusions of adequacy ."

-Walter Kerr



"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill



"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

-Clarence Darrow



"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)



"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

-Moses Hadas



"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

-Mark Twain



"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-Oscar Wilde



"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."

-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill



"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

-Winston Churchill, in response



"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

-Stephen Bishop



"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

-John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-Irvin S. Cobb




"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

-Samuel Johnson


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating



"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand



"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

-Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

-Mark Twain



"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-Mae West



"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-Oscar Wilde



"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)




"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

-Billy Wilder



"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

-Groucho Marx

Ponderisms……..


My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out" …?

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shit storm that's coming.

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.'
If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need...not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today...Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me... I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

True Tact

A private jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot Wings.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told him "The one who knows how to fix elevators".


I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.

What is Forrest Gumps password?


1forrest1

Note on the fridge!



I came home from the golf course today.


The wife had left a note on the refrigerator;




"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."




I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...




What the hell is she talking about?

Went to the zoo last week and I was really disappointed. They only had one animal in the whole place...a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.[FONT=&quot][/FONT]



- - - Updated - - -

OLD MEN ARE ALWAYS MORE CONSIDERATE


An old man was in Walmart the other day, pushing his grocery cart, when he collided with a young man also pushing his grocery cart.


He said to the young man, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."


The young man says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”


The old man said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"


The young man says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"


The old man said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."


Most old guys are helpful like that.

A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 Hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: "A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from the USA , says, "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from England, says, "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Scotland, says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

The Scotsman got the job.

One Wish
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

passline said:

one wish
a man on his harley was riding along a california beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, god said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, i will grant you one wish.'

the biker pulled over and said, 'build a bridge to hawaii so i can ride over anytime i want.'

god replied, 'your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

the biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'god, i wish that i, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when i try to help, and how i can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: "you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Click to expand...

nice.....

More on the biker theme............


There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says,
"I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."


"This is the worst day of my life," I say.



"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.


I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.


"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and
then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!


But, enough about me.


How are you doing?"

Trumps proposed wall will work. China built one 2 thousand years ago and there's still no Mexicans in China.

What, are you guys twins or something??? ;-P

sca037 said:

What, are you guys twins or something??? ;-P

Click to expand...

Siamese, but living on different coasts.

A 92 year old man rushes into church and sits in the confessional. Five minutes later the window opens and the guy says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned".

The priest says" that's what I'm here for- what did you do?" The old guy says "on the way home yesterday I picked up 2 young girls hitchhiking, took them to a hotel and I screwed each of them THREE times"!

The priest says, "I see, and what do you suggest for your penance"? The guy says "Oh Father, I'm not Catholic".
Priest says: " then why are you telling me this?" Guy says: "I'm 92 years old-- I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.



The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth, but the man stared straight ahead.



The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.



The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."



The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't, she just walked in."

An oldie and a goodie even its Billy Cosby:redface:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YotlNRCrFbQ