Joke of the Day

Adam was wondering through Eden bored and depressed. God asked "Adam what is wrong my son?"
Adam responded "God I am alone and bored."
God offered "how about I create a woman" Adam puzzled and asked what is a woman.
"A woman is someone that will stay at your side, cook for you, care for you when you are sick, and love you unconditionally"
Adam replied "That sounds amazing, I want a woman"
God warned Adam "It will cost you an arm and a leg"
Adam sat and thought on the cost of having a woman and responded "What can I get for a rib?"

Bath time and Darts


An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?”
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department .
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see ?”
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?”
"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough.”
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

View attachment Cartoon.pdf

Thank you New Yorker Magazine!

A SHORT SCOTTISH LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ..he farted.

A hooded robber burst into a Minnesota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Minnesota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face.
The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak.

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole tentatively raised his hand and said,



"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

:tongue:

Lol I woke up my wife laughing to that one

Church Ladies With Computers -- They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all of the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell" to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again', giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have
a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'.
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciated it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

USA Health Care Controversy

United States Heath Care!


The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America's health insurance situation.

The Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a--holes in Washington.

The Prince

*Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you
marry me?" * *The Princess immediately said, "No!" * *And the Prince
lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin,
long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced
cars, and went to exotic bars and dated ladies half his age and
drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching
and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and
kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans,
and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at
work, and all his friends and family thought he was cool as heck,
and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up. *



* The End.*

Noice ^^^^^

Wrong thread for that.:redface:

alum04org said:

*Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you
marry me?" * *The Princess immediately said, "No!" * *And the Prince
lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin,
long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced
cars, and went to exotic bars and dated ladies half his age and
drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching
and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and
kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans,
and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at
work, and all his friends and family thought he was cool as heck,
and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up. *

* The End.*

Click to expand...

This is not true. After being drafted away from Single Life starting last July after a successful 10 year career of being rather alone & rather happy, I can still pass enormous gas, after I leave her place and/or after about 12 hours of pressure build up.

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and
was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under,
the surgeon popped in to see him "I have some good
news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad
news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!"
cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the
good news?"

"The good news is... I have another one to replace it
with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission
before I can go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc,"
says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out
on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My
new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer,
"my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes
and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and
every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

A well respected doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient was overwhelming.

But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it.

You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single.

Just let it go."


But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:


"You're a veterinarian, you sick freak."

A 6 year old and a 4 year old boy are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Took a three month bump period to find another one. :redface: Here goes -

++++++++++++++++++

A son moved away to go to college, taking leave of his family and the family dog, Blue. A few months later, his father got a call from his son.

“Dad,” he said, “there’s an amazing program here that teaches dogs to talk!”

That’s amazing!’ his dad said. ‘How do I get Blue into that program?’

‘Just send him down here with $2,000,’ the son said. ‘I’ll get him into the course.’

So his father sent the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the boy called home again.

‘So, how’s Blue doing, son?’ his father inquired.

‘Awesome! Dad, he’s talking up a storm… But you just won’t believe this. They’ve had such good results with talking, they’ve begun to teach the dogs how to read.’

‘Read?’ exclaimed his father. ‘No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?’

‘Just send $4,500. I’ll get him into the class.’

The money promptly arrived.

But our hero noticed an impending problem. At the end of the year, his father would find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.

Then, finally, he came up with a plan. First he gave the dog to a nice family. Then he went home at the end of the year to see his excited father.

‘Where’s Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him, and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the boy said. ‘I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blue kicked back in the recliner to read the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?”

The father groaned and whispered, ‘I hope you shot that bastard before he talked to your mother!’

‘I sure did, dad!’

‘That’s my boy!’

The lad went on to be a successful lawyer.

Alright.



A nazi, an anarchist and a communist are riding a car.
Who's behind the wheel?

























The policeman.

Fred: What'd you get your wife for Christmas?
Ned: She told me, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."
Fred: So you got her diamonds?
Ned: No, I got her nothing.



Credit: AARP Bulletin December 2017

The Dali Lama is visiting and gets a chance to attend his first American baseball game.

During the 7th inning stretch he is invited to join his host for a hot dog and beer.

Hot dog vendor leans over the counter and gets right in his face.

"So how do you want your hot dog?"

His reply," Make me one with everything".

Jill's car was old and unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down.

One day John got yet another one of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Yeah, all right, where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"Okay, and where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "It's in here with me."

Two peanuts were walking in Central Park and one of them was assaulted.

A night out

Two women go out one night without their husbands.

They go to a bar, have a chat along with a couple of drinks and then head back home.

On the way home one of them turns to the other and says:

“Sorry, but I need to go to a toilet. Can we stop for a minute?”

The other looks at her and replies “I also have to go there, but where can we go in the middle of the street?”

“Oh, look, there is a cemetery over there we can go there.”

“Yes, but how are we going to wipe?”

“I’m just going to use my underwear and throw it out.”

Her friend however, was wearing her favorite (and rather expensive knickers) and didn’t want to ruin them. So she elected to take a wreath off a nearby grave and use that.
And so they went home.

The next day the husband of one was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was hungover and still in bed, so he phoned the other.

“Do you know where our wives went last night? Because mine came back home with no underwear.”

“Well you are luckier than me, my wife came home with a ribbon in her butt and on the ribbon it was written: ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you."

What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste.