[h=1]Subtlety Is Overrated![/h]
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Joke of the Day
- Thread starter tosugrad
- Start date
That truly was one of the funniest things I have seen. Thanks for posting.
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Charles, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Charles, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
Probably a re-post, and I cannot take the credit for this, but it is applicable for a car forum...
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife .
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant : What is her height? Husband : Oh, 5 something Sergeant : Build? Husband : Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant : Color of eyes? Husband : Never noticed. Sergeant : Color of hair? Husband : Changes according to season. Sergeant : What was she wearing? Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car? Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left or ….. (at this point the husband started crying ) .Sergeant : Don't worry sir ….. we’ll find your car.
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife .
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant : What is her height? Husband : Oh, 5 something Sergeant : Build? Husband : Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant : Color of eyes? Husband : Never noticed. Sergeant : Color of hair? Husband : Changes according to season. Sergeant : What was she wearing? Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car? Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left or ….. (at this point the husband started crying ) .Sergeant : Don't worry sir ….. we’ll find your car.
Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Zbyshek and Vladek survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Zbyshek asked, "Any idea where we are?"
Vladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Zbyshek and Vladek survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Zbyshek asked, "Any idea where we are?"
Vladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
2 ropes
Two ropes walk into a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says "Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers."
The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes in here."
Frustrated, the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says "I've got an idea!" So he gets himself into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says "Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers?"
The barkeep says "Sure, but aren't you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?"
The rope answers "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Two ropes walk into a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says "Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers."
The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes in here."
Frustrated, the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says "I've got an idea!" So he gets himself into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says "Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers?"
The barkeep says "Sure, but aren't you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?"
The rope answers "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a Woman
In a brand new Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her Face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds...
to continue shaving.
And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt
And I dropped my electric shaver
Which knocked the donut
Out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked my Cell Phone away from my ear
And it fell into the coffee cup between my legs!
Splashed, and burned
MY LEG
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Damn women drivers!
I looked over to my left and there was a Woman
In a brand new Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her Face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds...
to continue shaving.
And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt
And I dropped my electric shaver
Which knocked the donut
Out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked my Cell Phone away from my ear
And it fell into the coffee cup between my legs!
Splashed, and burned
MY LEG
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Damn women drivers!
Last edited:
Love story in 3 pictures:
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties as listed on his paperwork.
"Ames" Here! "Jensen" Here! "Jones" Here! "Magersky" Here! "Seeback" No answer. "Seeback!" No answer was heard again. "SEEBACK !!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
"Ames" Here! "Jensen" Here! "Jones" Here! "Magersky" Here! "Seeback" No answer. "Seeback!" No answer was heard again. "SEEBACK !!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
A boy was taking care of his noisy baby sister while his parents went to town shopping.
He decided to go fishing and took her with him.
"I'll never do that again," he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing."
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
"It wasn't that," the boy said. "She ate all the bait."
He decided to go fishing and took her with him.
"I'll never do that again," he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing."
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
"It wasn't that," the boy said. "She ate all the bait."
Wow! I can't believe this joke is still being posted after more than 30 years. It was being posted multiple times per day back when the internet was usenet, so often that the moderators had trouble keeping up deleting it!
• I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
• This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
• I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
• I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
• This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
• I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
• I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Would be nice. 95% of this stuff is garbage or political bitching masquerading as a poor joke.
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile, you imbecileI" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking da law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile, you imbecileI" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking da law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
The Will
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,
and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as
Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have b een such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the idiot had a paper route.
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,
and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as
Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have b een such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the idiot had a paper route.
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are
these matches and lighter fluid doing in your back seat?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow!" exclaims the driver to his
wife. "Am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the sobriety tests they're giving now!"
these matches and lighter fluid doing in your back seat?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow!" exclaims the driver to his
wife. "Am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the sobriety tests they're giving now!"
THE VENTRILOQUIST
A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humour!"
The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed: " You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit sitting on your lap."
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef’s special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
‘Did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
‘Well, sir,’ says the waiter. ‘What did you order?’ ‘We both chose the same,’ he replies. ‘The chicken surprise.’
‘Oh, I do apologize, this is my fault,’ says the waiter. ‘I’ve brought you the Peking duck'.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef’s special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
‘Did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
‘Well, sir,’ says the waiter. ‘What did you order?’ ‘We both chose the same,’ he replies. ‘The chicken surprise.’
‘Oh, I do apologize, this is my fault,’ says the waiter. ‘I’ve brought you the Peking duck'.
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