Joke of the Day

[Fastrunner]

You do the math!!

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with

mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!

 

[ChopsJazz]

There are 10 types of people in the world.



Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

[sca037]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are.


Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.

No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.

Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad,there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,

But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.

If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.

A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.

Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

This will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.I don't know why.

The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.You don't even load your own cartridges.They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys.

I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.

It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home

I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.

I only beat him once.

He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,
Carol

 

[gdae]

My wife came home last Halloween and was startled to find me standing there with a girl on my back.
“What the H are you doing!?” she screamed.
“There’s a Halloween party tonight,” I said.
“So?”
“I’m going as a snail.”
“What does this have to do with a Halloween party? There’s a girl on your back!”
I pointed over my shoulder and said, “This is Michelle!”

 

[DocL]

Teacher arrested at JFK.

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said.
'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,
''There are 3 sides to every triangle.''

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said,
''If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.''

White House aides told reporters, "they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President."

"It is believed, another Nobel Prize will follow."

 

[passline]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

 

[passline]

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

[passline]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

 

[Big_D]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.. What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours." :biggrin:

 

[ChopsJazz]

My wife and I go out to dinner to a fancy restaurant once week.

I go on Wednesdays and she goes on Fridays.

 

[gleibig]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.



The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.



"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.



"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.


"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"


Tiger: "Why is that?"


Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"


Tiger: "You're a day late." ...

 

[passline]

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...!!

My friend was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.
She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status....

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Yes you are correct .
But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

 

[White92]

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -
mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room,
or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You
have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with
the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what,
and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you
realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help
complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your
hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check
yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne
because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick
while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with
the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change
shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash
your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still
got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The
cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went
to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough
to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes
and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost
empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age
and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands
onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt
in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear
not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The
Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and
you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on
is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the
dirt off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your
50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the
hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but
you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug
store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dirt
on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you
because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80’s:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you
remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead
and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I?
Who am I?

 

[passline]

That one is the best! :biggrin::biggrin: Do you think Doug, Hal or Ken will see it before it's buried down the off topic stack?

 

[Dtrigg]

I saw it. I saw it. I think that....

Ah, hell, I forgot what I was going to say.

 

[Brylek]

A man has a very smart horse, when he says " are you going or not" the horse either goes or not.

 

[ChopsJazz]

That one is the best! :biggrin::biggrin: Do you think Doug, Hal or Ken will see it before it's buried down the off topic stack?

I saw it. All I could think of was Doug. :wink:

 

[Dtrigg]

I saw it. All I could think of was Doug. :wink:

Who is Doug?

 

[Dtrigg]

A urologist asked a patient, "How would you describe your love life?"
The patient responded, "Infrequently."
The urologist asked, "Is that one word or two?"

 

[Dtrigg]

A minister stopped a woman who was about to enter church wearing a low-cut dress. I am afraid I can't let you go in dressed like that," he said.

"But I have a divine right," she said.

"Yes," he said, "and your left one is beautiful too, but it's inappropriate for church."

 

[Dtrigg]

Worried about her marriage, a woman visited a psychic.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt," the seer said. "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Shaken, the wife gasped, "Will I be acquitted?"

 

[Dtrigg]

Once upon a time a guy said to a girl, "Will you marry me?"

She said no, and he lived happily ever after.

 

[Dtrigg]

After examining a woman, a doctor took her husband aside and said, "I really don't like the way your wife looks."

"Me neither," the husband said, "but she's a good cook and a fine mother."

 

[Dtrigg]

"Doctor, I'm losing my memory," a man said. "What do you suggest?"

He answered, "Pay in advance."

 

[Dtrigg]

"Senator," an aide called, "there's someone on the phone who wands to know what you plan to do about the abortion bill."

He responded, "Tell them I'll have a check in the mail by morning."