Joke of the Day

[Dtrigg]

My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of
days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

[Brylek]

This is a real story but i think it fits this thread.
I fix cellphones, few weeks ago i had a customer walking in and he goes:

My phone has a camera, camera has 2 mega pictures and none of them work.

 

[passline]

My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of
days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

You're too much Doug. hahaha!
I too had a schnauzer. He once got a hold of my Viagra supply ........ now he's a Pointer!

 

[Dtrigg]

You're too much Doug. hahaha!
I too had a schnauzer. He once got a hold of my Viagra supply ........ now he's a Pointer!

LOL :biggrin: Good one Richard.

 

[passline]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that .... I'm picturing you pulling on its . . .. its. . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs

 

[Cozmo]

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.

Priceless!

bahahahaha

 

[Dtrigg]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that .... I'm picturing you pulling on its . . .. its. . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs

Yes, priceless!

 

[passline]

Guaranteed birth control after 50?
Nudity :biggrin:

 

[passline]

The Black Bra

Three women were having lunch together. One was engaged, one was a mistress, and one had been married for 20+ years.

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men
by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

The engaged friend:
The other night when her boyfriend came over he found her with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw her and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then they made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
The other night they met at his office and she was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a
mask over her eyes. When she opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and they had wild sex all night.

Then the married 20+ years woman had to share her story:
When her husband came home, she was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over her eyes.
When he came in the door and saw her he said,














What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[Matt Knight]

The Black Bra

Three women were having lunch together. One was engaged, one was a mistress, and one had been married for 20+ years.

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men
by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

The engaged friend:
The other night when her boyfriend came over he found her with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw her and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then they made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
The other night they met at his office and she was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a
mask over her eyes. When she opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and they had wild sex all night.

Then the married 20+ years woman had to share her story:
When her husband came home, she was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over her eyes.
When he came in the door and saw her he said,














What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Heard the same joke with "What's for dinner, Batman?"

Doesn't really matter; as a married man you are going to lose anyway.

Matt

 

[Gofastguy]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[gdae]

My cousin got shot and yet he still survived. The only problem is that now he has a holier-than-thou attitude.

 

[ChopsJazz]

My cousin got shot and yet he still survived. The only problem is that now he has a holier-than-thou attitude.

Nice one. :biggrin:

 

[gdae]

Nice one. :biggrin:

Thanks. One of the few I made up myself.:redface::biggrin:

 

[Dtrigg]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now, stand and confess your transgression.'

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,

'Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

[Dtrigg]

Copper wire in KY

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed,a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a Story in the LA Times read:

"California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than The New Yorkers"

One week later. A local newspaper in Kentucky reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Paducah , Ky. Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.

Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless".

Just makes a person proud to be from Kentucky.

 

[Dtrigg]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

 

[passline]

Bob the Chicken

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned.

'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard....

"BOB, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

 

[MichaelS]

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

LOL - good one! :biggrin:

 

[Matt Knight]

A man went to the hospital for a vasectomy.

Before the procedure was to take place, a nurse came in to check his vitals.

Then she asked him to take his clothes off.

When he had undressed, she instructed him to lie down on the table.

Then the nurse took off her clothes, climbed on top of him and had her way with him.

Afterwards, the startled man tried to catch his breath and then he asked her what that was all about.

She explained that studies have shown that, before a vasectomy, if the man ejaculates, he will be more relaxed and procedure becomes easier for the surgeon.

Then the nurse wheeled the man over to the operating room. While they were traveling down the hall, he observed a man in the act of masturbating. Quite curious, the man could not resist asking the nurse, "What's he doing?"

The nurse replied, "Well, he's getting a vasectomy too, but you have Blue Cross/Blue Shield and he has Obamacare!" <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O></O>

 

[Vega$ NSX]

A nurse is working at a mental hospital and is doing her rounds down each hallway. As she get's closer to Bob's room, he hears Bob making car noises.

"Vroom, vroom!" Bob exclaims as he sits on his bed pressing an imaginary pedal and turning an imaginary wheel with both of his hands.

"What are you doing?" the nurse asks him?

"I'm on a business trip and I'm driving all the way to Chicago for my next business meeting." Bob replies.

"Oh, ok, that's nice." the nurse says. "Just be safe and drive carefully!"

"Ok" says Bob "See you when I get back."

The nurse continues on her way down the hall until she comes across Tom's room, where she finds him masterbating furiously.

Startled the nurses exclaims, "Tom, what the hell are you doing?"

To which Tom replies, "I'm screwing Bob's wife, while he's out on a business trip!"

 

[Swift]

ah....shutter island's finest.

ROFL

 

[NSXEXY]

while i was eating at the table with friends, i thought it would be funny. if and when governor arnold is being fired, they would tell him "governor arnold you have just been TERMINATED" Then arnold replys "i'll be back"

everyone laughed at the table, this would be a cool small cartoon.

 

[ChopsJazz]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

 

[passline]

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink; when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up to me - grabs my drink - and gulps it down
in one swig.

" Well, whatcha gonna do about it? " he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.

" Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to
see a grown man crying."

" This is the worst day of my life," I say. " I'm a complete & total failure ".

" I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left
my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
gardener, and then my dog bit me."

" So I came to this bar to work up enough courage to end it all ".
" I buy a drink, I drop in a capsule, and then sit here watching the poison
dissolve; then you ... you jack-ass; you show up and drink the whole thing " !
" But hey, enough about me ...


How's your day goin' ?