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Joke of the Day

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters!
They are married to GOD.'
The patient replied, ' Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
 
The IRS decides to audit Roger, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Roger shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Roger. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Roger says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Roger removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Roger says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Roger isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Roger removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Roger's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Roger asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Roger stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Roger's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Roger told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
 
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
 
WORKING AT THE SAWMILL

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. Bill is very accident prone. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks about Bill. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Tom couldn't believe it, but there's Bill out in the back exercising his now reattached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another big saw.

So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to the hospital.

Next day he goes to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to the hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead".

Tom is shocked, but not surprised, and says to the nurse: "I suppose the saw finally did him in".

"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".
 
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Lean beef.



What do you call a cow with no legs?


Ground beef.
 
What do you call a dog with brass balls and no back legs?

Sparky.
 
John and Helen met while on vacation, and John fell head over heels
in love with her. After a couple of weeks in which John took Helen
out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was
convinced that it was true love. On the last night of his vacation,
the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the
relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his
new found lady friend.

"I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem,
you'd better say so now!"

Helen took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest
with each other, here goes ..... You need to know that I'm a hooker."

"I see," John replied. "That's a problem, for sure." He spent some
time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, "You
know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight
when you tee off."
 
How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin
Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy,
would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then , if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'..

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

Sean O'Malley shouted out 'YUV GOTTA BE FUKN' DEAD.'
 
Dtrigg said:
John and Helen met while on vacation, and John fell head over heels
in love with her. After a couple of weeks in which John took Helen
out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was
convinced that it was true love. On the last night of his vacation,
the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the
relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his
new found lady friend.

"I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem,
you'd better say so now!"

Helen took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest
with each other, here goes ..... You need to know that I'm a hooker."

"I see," John replied. "That's a problem, for sure." He spent some
time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, "You
know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight
when you tee off."
Click to expand...
any chance this is the same guy who had drinks w/the breathalyzer-controlled car ignition" chick? 'cause, if not, they're closely related ;)
 
queenlives said:
any chance this is the same guy who had drinks w/the breathalyzer-controlled car ignition" chick? 'cause, if not, they're closely related ;)
Click to expand...

:tongue::biggrin:
 
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after
and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting
and played golf a lot
and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank
and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.

The End
 
Puns for educated minds



1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.


5-a. Or the female butcher who also backed into the meat grinder. Disaster!



6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'



14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.



15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'



16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'



17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.



19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



21. A backward poet writes inverse.



22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.



23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.



25. Downtown detectives are investigating the thefts of all of the toilets at the police department. The police have nothing to go on.



26. She was only a farmer's daughter, but all the horse manure.
 
One night in the delivery room a lady has a baby that turns out to be the most intelligent baby ever. As the doctor lifts the baby, it looks him over, and says, "You must be the doctor. Thank you, Doctor, you have done a wonderful job on my birth. You were very gentle."
The doctor gives the baby to the mother; the baby looks up, and says, "You must be my Mommy. You're so pretty, Mommy. Thank you for carrying me in your tummy. You're the best Mommy in the world."
The she handed the baby to the father. The baby looked into his eyes for a moment, and said, "And you must be my Daddy."
Suddenly BAM! BAM! BAM! he smacked his father on the forehead with his little fist, and said:

"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, MOTHERF--ER!"
 
Last edited:
Two redneck Tennesseans are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon ahuge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, 'at's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says,"I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they heft it up, carry it over and throw it in the hole. They're looking over the edge and listening for it to hit bottom when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. Just then, a goat crashes through the brush, runs up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jumps in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up and asks, "Didn't happen to see my goat round here, did ya?"

"We sure nuff did. We was justa standin' here a minute ago and yer goat come running out of them bushes over yonder doin' bout a hunert miles an hour and he jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

And the old farmer said, "That ain't possible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
 
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said 'Your finger is broken.'
 
sca037 said:
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said 'Your finger is broken.'
Click to expand...

:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:
 

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