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Stephen@NCAutoUSA

Legendary Member
Joined
15 November 2006
Messages
4,161
Location
New Orleans
I've been a member of this forum a couple years now and have grown to love it. Ever since I got my Iphone right when the first generation dropped the price I've been on prime 5+times a day so I've grown to admire, look up to, and appreciate many of the members that post here...

Anyways, most of you guys are older than I am, some almost double my age and old enough to be my father. I just turned 24 and just got out of a serious relationship... We've been broken up a month and it's been really hard on me so far. We were only together for a year and a half but we've known each other for around 3 years. She's my life and I screwed up.

I won't get into details but I've never cheated on her and I've never hurt her intensionally. I realize what happened and I didn't do anything, basically I got to comfortable with her to quick...

I still feel she's the one. I look back at the past people I've met, people I've been with, and the couple of women that were worth my time and nobody compares... nobody comes close... I also look at the people that I encounter now. Women nowadays just seem to want money and named brand items. Maybe it's just my age group or the people I meet and that's why I don't think I could ever find someone with as good as a heart and as pretty as my ex-girlfriend was.

You guys are older than me, a lot have been married, and a lot of you have lost... Do you believe there's only one person out there for you? Do you believe that if your ex would come back in your life you'd take them back?

I feel like I've reached a dead end if I can't get her back. Nothing brings me happiness anymore. Not my close friends, not working, not making money, not cooking, not eating, and not fact that I haven't seen my nsx since November and that I'll be getting it back within the next month brings me any sort of excitement...

Stephen
 
Well I have had a few heartaches before I got married so I can sympathize with your situation. I was engaged to this great girl and I didn't appreciate her as much as I should have and lost her. I felt the same things you describe. I was kind of lost for a couple of years before I eventually got over it. I bought a motorcycle and went riding alot. I think that helped me clear my head. I also joined a fitness center and worked out alot. I hung out with friends as much as possible to try and get my mind off of her. I even ran into her a couple of times and that was really hard. I will say that time does heal all wounds. It will get easier, it is just difficult to turn the page and accept the fact that your life has gone into a new chapter. There are other nice women out there looking for the same things you are. Just try not to think about her and keep yourself busy. Get into a hobby and spend time with your close friends. One of these days when you least expect it you will run into someone that catches your eye and your ex will be a distant memory.

Oh, and yes I may be twice your age, but I am still in as good of shape as the twenty somethings...:wink:

Hang in there!
 
If she is the right one for you and you are the right one for her she will come back to you when she is ready. She might just need some space right now.

In the meantime keep dating. Women want what other women have. I have had women who were playing hard to get or seemed uninterested come running as soon as I started dating someone else. Who knows, you may run into your soul mate. I dated a couple over the years that I thought were the right "one" only to eventually run into my soul mate(my wife). Just keep your chin up and take the NSX on some nice drives when you get it back. Don't sit at home and dwell on things.

He won't engage. Keep sending him up. - Top Gun
 
Stephen,

As Neo said in the original Matrix movie, "Whoa!" It is impressive you have the strength to open up about something so personal on a site like this. Says something about the caliber of Primers as you already eluded to. It is sad to hear about your break-up. Naturally, I won't inquire into any details. That is for you to keep under your hat or only share with a confidant.

Few can claim to be an expert on relationships and advise someone with such little information. You can expect either empty sympathy or knee jerk comments about someone's past experience which may or may not be of any help. That's not to say anyone besides me who chimes in isn't being sincere or trying to help.

So, why am I chiming in? Given what I just said, what insights or words of wisdom could I possibly offer? I broke away from some other business I was just about to do because your words touched me. As a human resources professional with 53 birthdays racked-up so far, I've advised coworkers, friends, and even strangers on all manner of topics. That doesn't make me an expert. I would say I have a knack for some insight here and there.

Regardless of what you did or didn't do, if you really want that woman, don't give up trying. Unless she is ready to call the police to get a restraining order against you, follow your heart. Write her a letter with pen and paper. Say what you feel, but don't go overboard and write a novel. Text message her here and there. Leave a phone message saying you miss her. Personally, I am a fan of the written letter or card. With email being so pervasive, hand written notes or cards are rare.

Worst comes to worst, you may need to move on. I don't believe in destiny. If you want something, you either go and get it or put yourself in situations that will improve the odds of getting what you want. The more steps you take in life, the more there are to take. This applies to people you will meet and find interesting, too. No guarantee, just good odds for any 24 year old with a good head on his shoulders. :wink:
 
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YellowHaze said:
Stephen,

As Neo said in the original Matrix movie, "Whoa!" It is impressive you have the strength to open up about something so personal on a site like this. Says something about the caliber of Primers as you already eluded to. It is sad to hear about your break-up. Naturally, I won't inquire into any details. That is for you to keep under your hat or only share with a confidant.

Few can claim to be an expert on relationships and advise someone with such little information. You can expect either empty sympathy or knee jerk comments about someone's past experience which may or may not be of any help. That's not to say anyone besides me who chimes in isn't being sincere or trying to help.

So, why am I chiming in? Given what I just said, what insights or words of wisdom could I possibly offer? I broke away from some other business I was just about to do because your words touched me. As a human resources professional with 53 birthdays racked-up so far, I've advised coworkers, friends, and even strangers on all manner of topics. That doesn't make me an expert. I would say I have a knack for some insight here and there.

Regardless of what you did or didn't do, if you really want that woman, don't give up trying. Unless she is ready to call the police to get a restraining order against you, follow your heart. Write her a letter with pen and paper. Say what you feel, but don't go overboard and write a novel. Text message her here and there. Leave a phone message saying you miss her. Personally, I am a fan of the written letter or card. With email being so pervasive, hand written notes or cards are rare.

Worst comes to worst, you may need to move on. I don't believe in destiny. If you want something, you either go and get it or put yourself in situations that will improve the odds of getting what you want. The more steps you take in life, the more there are to take. This applies to people you will meet and find interesting, too. No guarantee, just good odds for any 24 year old with a good head on his shoulder. :wink:
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Sorry, But I gotta disagree w/ this big time. First off, the kid's only 24.....To me, that's at least 10 more years of party time for him. Too many young people today(especially guys) think they gotta start early in marriage in order to grow up w/ their kids and have the energy for parenting. First off, I don't think anyone should marry until their thirties because people are still emotionally developing as adults in their twenties. Second, as far as energy goes, I outlast the 20 somethings in my kickboxing workouts and I'm twice as old as they are....so it's not really about age, but rather keeping yourself fit as you get older.
Anyway, regarding the matter at hand : There is only one thing to do : Leave a pleasant voice mail along these lines..."Just letting you know that I've accepted your decision and I'm moving on as well, but I wanted to let you know that I'll always remember the good times we had and I'll always think good thoughts about you. Take care." DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE !!!!! If this method doesn't work, then move on... Trying to prod back her using gentle romantic reminders is the worst thing to do. Did I say that this is easy ? No way.....It's very tough to stay cool and collected when your're emotional over a chick............But please take my advice
 
Mike-san said:
Sorry, But I gotta disagree w/ this big time. First off, the kid's only 24.....To me, that's at least 10 more years of party time for him. Too many young people today(especially guys) think they gotta start early in marriage in order to grow up w/ their kids and have the energy for parenting. First off, I don't think anyone should marry until their thirties because people are still emotionally developing as adults in their twenties. Second, as far as energy goes, I outlast the 20 somethings in my kickboxing workouts and I'm twice as old as they are....so it's not really about age, but rather keeping yourself fit as you get older.
Anyway, regarding the matter at hand : There is only one thing to do : Leave a pleasant voice mail along these lines..."Just letting you know that I've accepted your decision and I'm moving on as well, but I wanted to let you know that I'll always remember the good times we had and I'll always think good thoughts about you. Take care." DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE !!!!! If this method doesn't work, then move on... Trying to prod back her using gentle romantic reminders is the worst thing to do. Did I say that this is easy ? No way.....It's very tough to stay cool and collected when your're emotional over a chick............But please take my advice
Click to expand...

+1 I completely agree with Mike San's post regarding premature marriage and the advice NOT to do anything else. As hard as it sounds, ignore her, and your chances with her will increase. But keep in mind, this ocean is filled with fish.

Happy fishing!
 
I think alot of us have been there with a girlfriend around the age of 24; I know I have. The only advice I can give is:

1. Your mates will always be there for you so don't deny hanging with them just because of some girl. You are 24 and should be making some awesome memories (camping, road trips, car events, sports, etc.). Chicks dig guys with mates who are independant - its a turn on for them.

2. There are so many other girls out there that its not even funny...you need to date as many girls as possible because everytime its a learning lesson and great experience. Read the book entitled "The Game" written by Neil Strauss. It will change your life as it did mine (now with my fiancee...)

3. A mate of mine propped me up after a bad break up with the line "The best way to get up from falling of a horse is to get back on top of another right away". Much like the Top Gun quote above you need to move forward and keep failing or succeeding.

I'm 33 and getting married in October and so fortunate to have created some killer memories when I was your age. Trust me your soul mate is out there...just takes some time for things to work out.
 
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At 24 you are way way to young to thing about marriage. you need to take this as a learning lesson and move on. Focus your energy on growing up - professionally, emotionally, spiritually instead to thinking about what you could have, should have done.

GL and check back in on the thread in a couple of months.
 
Yeah, I thought both of my ex-wives were "the ones." Now my idea of a long term relationship is about three months. The last thing in the world I am looking for is "the one." Don't get me wrong. I love women. Note that is plural. Yes, I am old enough to be your father, and I usually date women about your age. Life is wonderful and I enjoy sharing it with a lot of women! I am sure you're hurting, but trust me, you'll be fine in time. Just get yourself together and get out there and experience life. Gee, I have ties older than you.
 
Don't listen to music it will ruin you right now.

After a while it will pass and you'll feel better. I don't even know how many, 'this is the one" girls I went through. Life goes on. You will get through it and find someone else. If you get back together with her there will always be that little voice in the back of your head wondering when it will go bad. You HAVE to be comfortable, that's not a luxury it's a requirement in a relationship.

I was going through a rough breakup with this girl and my life long buddy said to me, what good will come out of it if you get back together with her. I realized he was right and that nothing good would ever come out of it. I stopped pining for her at that very moment. Ironically that's when she wanted to get back together. I told her to go f--k herself.:biggrin:

Your 20's can be tough when it comes to relationships. If I could do it all over again I wouldn't stay with the same girl more than a week, tops!

Doug, went we talking about this topic this morning? Sorry to wake you and those two girls up so early :D
 
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I got married at 24 and divorced at 30. She "was" the wrong one and I knew from the get go. She was 9 months pregnant and that was'nt the reason to get married. I have spent a huge part of my life a bachlor and loved every second of it while maintaining a very close relationship with my daughter. I feel I lost those 6 years of my younger days. Take advantage of your youth because you only get it once. It took a while but yes I did meet my soulmate. How do I know, she reminds me often.:rolleyes:
 
steveny said:
Doug, weren't we talking about this topic this morning? Sorry to wake you and those two girls up so early :D
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Yeah Steve, you always seem to "forget" that there is a three hour time difference when you call me before dawn to tell me what you're having for breakfast.:tongue:

The girls said, "Hello!":biggrin:
 
Not the advice you wanna hear, but let her go. If it was meant to be, she'll catch up with you in the future.

Timing is everything.

Don't continue to badger and make her think less of you. Just will make things harder. The quicker you come to grips with the fact that she is gone, the quicker you can move on.

You'll be fine....

And what Steve said, don't listen to music...it'll ruin you. I happened to break up with a girl when John Mayer's first mainstream album came out, and to this day, I don't like hearing "Why Georgia." :wink:

Best of luck, brother.
 
Couple of points.You sound depressed,nothing wrong with that after a significant stressor like a breakup.Be careful to keep the reality of your past relationship seperate from the feelings of depression/anxiety/pity that you feel.You may be fearing change just as much as truely missing your ex.The routines of life esp ,when dependant upon another person in your life can be hard to let go.My take on "the one" ...There are many that can fit that bill in your life.Imo the only way a relationship can last so that two parties both feel content is that both partners need to be ready willing and able to have a dedicated exclusive commited relationship.....simutaneously.....thats the kicker.Plus both of you need to feel like the relationship is worth fighting for,ya know common goals ect. Now none of us know what kind of personality you have,nor she.Most of what I typed assumes both of you are well adjusted content "normal" folks. So like everyone else here has suggested tough it out until your depression fades then get back into the "scene".Number one thing though is don't cary the guilt or self pity forward,ie don't start talking about your ex on a date, ever.:wink:
 
I've been around long enough to know that yes, there is only one woman out there for me. If i get married enough times I just may find her! :wink:
 
If I would have settled down at your age I would have missed out on the best parts of my life. There was a gal in my life at your age I thought she was the one and since the hard breakup I haven't looked back. It's been 10 years since I was your age and I did most of my growing up during these years. When I look back, it's almost embarrassing to me to see how young and foolish I was. In 10 more years, I'll probably be saying the same thing about how I am now.

The truth is, there are a lot of wonderful people I've been together with since I thought I met "the one." Now it's hard to even want to settle down. I've had so much fun traveling while single.

When I went through that hard breakup and spoke to guys my age now, they all told me that I had a lot to look forward to. I just would not let myself believe them but in the end, they were right. Everything they told me was an understatement, even. So I'm telling you, I'm right and you better listen to me. This is just the beginning, it may start out rough, but these are some of your most important growing years. You will look back later and laugh at yourself for thinking the way you do now.

Buy some Sublime CDs and keep your head up. Be selfish and don't punish yourself...
 
Thanks guys for all your comments. I've read them all so far and read the link posted that Turbo2go wrote and thought about it and will reread it again and again.

I'm going to order the book "The Game" and read it, I feel it could help me. My personality is not shy but reserved, and I'm a very much closed person so unless you try to meet me and get to know me, it's real hard for me to meet anyone. I think that's why I feel as if it's all over right now.

I never wanted to get married. That's actually a main reason why I felt so right with this woman is that she was 4 years older than I and never wanted kids and never wanted to be married "again".

I was thinking about moving too. I work about 3 blocks away from her and we know a lot of the same people, and this new restaurant I'm opening up opened up a restaurant with her a year ago. The only good thing about my so called shitty career is that I can pack up and go wherever I feel since there are restaurants everywhere and they're always in need of a non-druggy, non-alcoholic, not stupid person. Maybe in the winter time or next year I'll just pick up and go to Cali or Florida or somewheres other than Philadelphia area.

Stephen
 
Oh, btw, I used to listen to Sublime but haven't heard them for awhile.

The music aspect helps me since I listen to classical music and that has no real meaning to me other than for myself and myself only. Even when I dated a piano player and listened to Rachmaninoff like his 2nd or 3rd piano concerto I don't think of her but the times I sat and listened to both those pieces in concert. Also Beethoven's 9th symphony and any other of his symphonies but really his 9th but I've seem to lost my favorite recording when I was searching for it the other day...

Country on the other hand, I have to change it since a lot of country music is about love. I can't listen to country for a long time now...

Stephen
 
sduffass said:
I'm going to order the book "The Game" and read it, I feel it could help me. My personality is not shy but reserved, and I'm a very much closed person so unless you try to meet me and get to know me, it's real hard for me to meet anyone. I think that's why I feel as if it's all over right now.
Click to expand...

Congrats Stephen. Read the book and then be your own man. I'm already proud of you for taking this subtle step and honestly I was reserved like you until my mates and the book helped me.:biggrin:
 
I guess I'm very lucky.

I met my wife while cruising my slammed mini truck at the age of 19. We got married 6 months later. That was,,,,,,gasp,,,,,,,24 years ago.

We are still married, and I love her more today than ever.

However, being married at such a young age was extremely stressful. We argued, and fought about things that we don't even care about now. There were many times we both wanted to end it.

I tell my daughters to wait to get married. I was one of the lucky ones. For everyone like me (married at 19), there are probably 6 that failed.

You have alot of life to live. Don't let this tear you apart. There is no "one". There are many out there.

The only real word of advice I can give you that I haven't seen made is,,,,,,,,get married BEFORE you strike it big.

I know my wife married me for me. Not the stuff I had. I like to joke that she married me for my money, because I was 19 and making bank,,$15.00 an hour.

Now, I am extremely successful, and I know the woman next to me is still there for me, not my money. I have some very wealthy freinds that were single when they made it big. After they got married my freinds never really let their wall down, so they were never truly able to enjoy the perks of financial success with their wives. It's really sad, in my opinion.

Hold your head up high, because there are a lot of losers out there. So there really is no competition.
 
eddiensx said:
I guess I'm very lucky.

I met my wife while cruising my slammed mini truck at the age of 19. We got married 6 months later. That was,,,,,,gasp,,,,,,,24 years ago.

We are still married, and I love her more today than ever.

However, being married at such a young age was extremely stressful. We argued, and fought about things that we don't even care about now. There were many times we both wanted to end it.

I tell my daughters to wait to get married. I was one of the lucky ones. For everyone like me (married at 19), there are probably 6 that failed.

You have alot of life to live. Don't let this tear you apart. There is no "one". There are many out there.

The only real word of advice I can give you that I haven't seen made is,,,,,,,,get married BEFORE you strike it big.

I know my wife married me for me. Not the stuff I had. I like to joke that she married me for my money, because I was 19 and making bank,,$15.00 an hour.

Now, I am extremely successful, and I know the woman next to me is still there for me, not my money. I have some very wealthy freinds that were single when they made it big. After they got married my freinds never really let their wall down, so they were never truly able to enjoy the perks of financial success with their wives. It's really sad, in my opinion.

Hold your head up high, because there are a lot of losers out there. So there really is no competition.
Click to expand...

got any pictures of the truck?
 
LOL, actually, I do. :rolleyes:

Back in the day chicks loved the mini truck. I had a red 84 Nissan. I think it was one of the first "Nissan" trucks. Before that, I believe they were "Datsun".
 
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Dude I'm gonna give you some straight advice here, it may sound harsh but I am genuinely going to help you. If you know what you are doing, you can get her back. Problem is that you don't know what you are doing. Her leaving you, is just the end-result of a series of bad behaviors on your part that probably started long ago and you were oblivious to it. By bad behavior I don't mean that you were not nice enough, or didn't do enough, or anything like that. I mean that you forgot about her emotions, and started thinking logically like a guy. You put her feet to sleep, and so she moved on. The fact that women run on emotions is a hindrance if you don't know how to handle an emotional being, but it is a plus if you do. So this is just a wake up call, the best thing that happened to you, because from here on forward you can learn and have much more success. You can one day look back and laugh at this, but the thing I want to get into your head is that you need to change some things. If you don't, you will be in for more of the same, or you will get into a long relationship then be dissapointed because it wasn't what you thought it was.

Right now you have to cut her loose, leave. Once you are actually skilled at handling this kind of thing, then you can pull her in just like you can with any woman at that point. "Oh my God you are so different"... and "I forgot how much I liked you, wow I missed you" are the kinds of things you will hear. But at that point you may not even give a $hit about this particular girl. She will just be one of many. Then the choice will be yours. The important thing is that you learn, it is not "getting her back".

My advice right now in your first step is that you stop letting her dictate things. If you have any more contact and it is going to end, make it on your terms, not hers. Stop with the BS "I love you" and "I will miss you so much" stuff, it will not get you ANYWHERE except make you look needy, an image you may have inadvertently created by now anyway (most guys do at this stage). So you say this:

"XYZ, I have done some thinking, and realized that you are not the right one for me. So I hope there are no hard feelings, it was great while it lasted but it is definitely time to move on. Take care" and you end it. Make sure you use something cold and generic like "take care". Word it how you want but don't be mushy....

You will see the impact of just this act alone. You will create a hole where there was none, and that is your first correct step in changing your dynamic. Next you start dating other women. There is a correct way and an incorrect way to all of this. This isn't something I can just post about here, I am sure I am going to get plenty of flames for what I have written already.

When you reach a level where you can have almost any woman that you want, your outlook on all of this changes. If I was to put a spectacularly beautiful woman in front of you right NOW, one that was funny, pretty, intelligent... one that you had an awesome time with and couldn't believe how good looking she is everytime you looked at her, you would not be worrying a whole lot about this dingbat that just dumped you. Believe me. Your sadness is not limited to the fact that she is gone, it is also because some part of you feels that you will not find another like her. So a lot of advice on this thread is good in that the guys are telling you to go out and date, and that there are a lot of others, but what is missing is that there is an art to finding, getting, and keeping those others. That is what you need to get better at.

The guy that is skilled is good with all women, good in dating, good in relationships. The scenario you just described will NEVER happen to you if you know what you are doing. Your biggest problem will become managing the number of women that want to be with you, not that this one left you.

I can tell you a lot more if you want but I am going to limit my post to this for now.

P.S. To the married and relationship guys, read what I say for entertainment if you want, I respect you, your marriage and your decisions. I am not here to get into a debate about love and marriage, just to help the O.P.
 

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