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The Chuck Norris thread


Experienced Member
28 April 2005
I know there's already a joke thread but...

In honor of Chuck Norris returning to the big screen:

- Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

- Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the $h*t out of it.

- Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

- The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long...

Post your favorites :biggrin:
The grim reaper fears the day Chuck Norris comes for him

Chuck Norris wasn't born, he round house kicked his way out

When you open a can of whoop ass, Chuck Norris jumps out
I give you the complete Chuck Norris::biggrin:
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands . They are now The Islands.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an
Essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross, just never his own.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris.
The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the
1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There are currently 5 viruses in population that could eradicate the worlds'
population in less than a week. They are lying low because Chuck Norris does not like competition.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape.
Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Boris Yeltsin has always known that Chuck hates commies. Its proven by the fact that Chuck Norris rhymes with Fuck Boris.

Chuck Norris raped Tony Danza and Bruce Springsteen simultaneously one day just to make them aware that Chuck Norris is the boss.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back off.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris"
into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pees.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Neither does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the crap out of them.

Chuck Norris thought Arnold 's movie "Commando" was lacking in senseless killings. .

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.

When Chuck Norris went on trial, the Court found him innocent, and found itself guilty.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Women never say no to Chuck Norris. Even if they don't want to, they know its eventually gonna happen.

During a prostate exam, Chuck Norris' doctor found 3 severed, gloved index fingers in his rectum. When the doctor asked what the last 3 doctors had done to earn their fate, Chuck Norris explained that they all said "You're not so tough now are you?"

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris owns 3 pit bulls and 2 dobermans, yet if you go near his property the only sign you see is "Beware of Chuck Norris".

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.

Before he visits anywhere, international law dictates that Chuck Norris must inform the area's inhabitants at least seven days before his arrival. The necessary funeral arrangements can then be made.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

A man once attempted to give Chuck Norris a hug. Chuck proceeded to kick the crap out of the man. Chuck Norris' father was confined to a wheelchair from that day on.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris says jump, you ask for permission to come down.

Not only does Chuck Norris talk in the third-person, he sees in the third-person.

Chuck Norris was the original Horseman of the Apocalypse. He had to be replaced with four different horsemen, because they didn't want the Apocalypse to be anticlimactic.

When asked why he round-house kicked an entire school of children Chuck Norris replies "I don't like Mondays." When informed that it was Tuesday he replied "I still don't like Mondays."

Chuck Norris once won the Gold, Silver and Bronze in the Women's Bobsled. No one ever questioned how he did it.

Chuck Norris' mother called him "Charles" once. Once.

Chuck Norris uses Viagra eye drops so he can look hard.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Tiger Woods challenged Chuck Norris to a long drive contest. Tiger's ball went 356 yards, Chuck's ball exploded on impact with the club, killing thousands.

Chuck Norris's friends once threw him a surprise birthday party.
Unfortunately, when Chuck Norris unexpectedly saw all those people in his house, his mind involuntarily went into "defense/kill" mode. Chuck Norris lost many dear friends that day.

Chuck Norris once took part in a Civil War reenactment. It was the bloodiest day in American history.

Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

Jesus’ Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. That’s why we celebrate Christmas

When people are dying, they are told not to go to the light because Chuck Norris is there waiting to kill them.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Chuck Norris shaves with a John Deere tractor.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris' name backwards, "Sirron kcuch" is Klingon for "The Beard of Death".

Who brings a knife to a gun fight? On a similar note, who brings a gun to a Chuck Norris Fight?

Chuck Norris once invited all the TV bad-asses to his house for a battle royale to the death, only Jack Bauer and McGuiver showed up.
What's with all this fake Chuck Norris hype? If he was such a badass he'd show up at my place right now and slam my head into the keybo$%^#W@FVDAS DSHYVDGWFR(&BV&(*#T#*(Y(FGBGU( $!%)%^@&*)%TG@*(...................
Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table of Elements because the only element he believes in is the element of surprise. :biggrin:
It never gets old:biggrin:

Too many good one to single out. I haven't heard of that Bruce Lee one.

Did they ever make one for Chuck Norris vs. the old Dos Equis guy?
It has always been thought that the Earth revolved around the Sun, however after careful study scientists have discovered that the Sun revolves around Chuck Norris.

The end credits of Texas Ranger is not a list of actors. Its a list of all the stuntmen killed by round house kicks in the making of that episode.
Boy: Dad, why are there Chuck Norris jokes and no Bruce Lee jokes??
Dad: Because, son, Bruce Lee was no joke....


notice that Bruce Lee is no longer around :wink:
Chuck Norris once bet NASA that he could survive reentry into the Earth's atmosphere without a spacesuit. Shortly thereafter, streaking accross the sky over Houston, TX was a naked Chuck Norris. NASA denies this on all accounts but for some reason, still owes Chuck Norris a beer.
Great thread. The other day Chuck Norris was on Fox News and even commented on these jokes. He admits that he and his wife even make uos some of them, including the one used in The Expendables 2. "He was bitten by a Cobra, and after five agonizing days of pain, the Cobra finally died." LOL