I feel like I was selfish for taking more time for myself to have fun. It never even occurred to me that I'd feel this way, but kids change everything.
In April, I will turn 30. By anyone's standards (except for those under 15, maybe) I am still very young. Though for some reason, I am having a difficult time with this birthday.
I have health issues. That may contribute to it. I have 2 boys, the oldest of whom will be 10. That definitely has something to do with it. Six years ago, I became step mom to 5 children who all 1-lived with us and 2-thought and still think I'm Satan. That absolutely has a whole crap load to do with it.
Those things play into the physical part of being 30. I'm tired a lot. I dont sleep much. There is another side, however, and I think that side is more difficult for me than physically "feeling" old.
At 18, I set some pretty hefty goals for myself and, on my life timeline, they were all set with a goal date of 04-03-2008. At the time, that seemed like FOREVER and a day away. Now that it is approaching, I have met not one of them and that makes me feel so very old.
Instead of sticking to my original plan, finishing college, beginning my career, and putting myself first, I met my first husband at 18, married at 19, and became a mom at 20. After my divorce, I finally began college but as a single mom, it was too difficult to keep up the grueling schedule.
When I met my 2nd husband, I was 23. At 24, I became an Army wife and step mom. Since that time, I've considered myself lucky to get 30 minutes alone to take a shower. I consider it a miracle to get 3 hours alone to see a movie and the 2 times I've had more than 24 hours completely alone in that time, I hardly knew what to do with myself.
Unlike you, I didn't wait and sometime I wish I had. I wouldn't trade my boys for the world. They are the reason I breathe but by choosing to have them when I was young, I made not only my life more difficult but their's as well.
The plan was to have "my" life in order by 30... to have college completed, to have my career well on its way, to be set on my own path, without having to rely on anyone else. As it is, I feel like I haven't really accomplished much. I know my boys are great and I know I'm a damn good mom. THAT makes it all worth whatever I gave up. Yet, when I look at me as a person, I tend to think, "What the heck have you ever really done?" It just seems like for 10 years all I've ever really been is a mom and I just always figured by this point that I would have done something on my own.
I've managed to start my own small business but I sometimes wonder what would have happened if, back in '97, I would have taken the spot at UC Berkeley and then the position with the production company. :::shrug:::
