How NOT to spend an afternoon changing the oil. I hate to admit it, but it's all true. Someone come confiscate my tools now.
Print out the "guide to jacking" off the NSXPrime FAQ website. Not "guide to jacking off", as everyone should be fairly proficient at that already.
Print out the "how to change your oil" off the NSXPrime FAQ website.
Go down to the car, find the lift points and the stand points.
Double check for cracks, etc, from the previous owner's stupidity.
Get out the jack, lug it over to the car, being careful not to get anywhere near the car, as the jack is old and heavy.
Put the jack near the car, realize the damn thing is too high to get under the low ass car.
Spend a half an hour taking the jack apart, then figure out it is a 5 minute thing to take the cap off.
Jack the car up. The jack is very old, not well lubed, and only goes up about a 16th of an inch each pump of the handle, so damn near kill yourself pumping. Not near as fun as your old nympho girlfriend.
Handle is now bent.
Put jack stands under one side of car. Car is at a 45 degree angle and is making funny creaking noises like you are stressing suspension parts that are not designed to be stressed.
Go over to the other side, carrying the jack like a little baby, so I don't drop it on the car. (wheels don't roll due to rust)
Put jack under car, then realize you have parked too close to the side of the garage to get the handle of the jack in place. Find biggest screwdriver you have, and use that as the handle. Screwdriver flexes dangerously on each downstroke, and there is not full motion till the car is almost totally up in the air. The above takes slightly short of forever.
Get jack stands underneath car.
Realize car is now at the right height to get in and out of, contemplate a lift kit and some Mickey Thompsons.
Re-read the "change your oil" paper and realize you forgot to loosen the lug nuts to get access to the oil filter.
Go over to the drivers side, and loosen everything up.
Due to being a cheap bastard and buying 2 ton jack stands from Wal-Mart, the car is wobbling like one of those motion-simulator rides at King's Dominion. Uh ohh.
Stand back, wait for the car to either fall, or settle down. She finally settles down.
Pull the wheel, realize chrome wheels are way too heavy. Vow never to race anyone. Look around and no filter. WTF. Re-read the paper, and realize you pulled the wrong side wheel off. You don't THINK the neighbors heard the obscenities.
Go to passengers side, remove lug nuts VERY slowly. Drop wheel in lap trying not to upset car on stands. Hit nuts (yours, not car lug), whimper, think $75 is not that much money for a dealership oil change, and then realize the oil is still in the car and you have not accomplished anything yet. REALLY think about the $75 and how by not drinking beer all month the oil change would really be free...
See oil filter, and wonder if you have something big enough to remove it (forgot to buy filter wrench, no problem, you'll use channel locks.) RIGHT....
Crawl under the car, burning arms and hands on exhaust. had to go in from the back due to all the shit in the garage. Wrong size socket. get out from underneath car.
Get another socket. crawl back under car. Wrong size socket. ARGGG!!! Get out from underneath car.
Get entire socket set, take under car with me. Finally find socket that fits, and can't get a good angle on it with your little socket wrench.
Crawl back out from under the car, and get the torque wrench.
Crawl back under the car. Exhaust has now cooled enough that you can stand to touch it for more than a tenth of a second.
Lay under car for 10 minutes on the cool concrete getting your breath back and thinking how nice a nap would be.
Finally get the drain plug out. Oil is still hot enough to burn, even through the scar tissue the exhaust gave you about a half hour ago.
Let it drain, go inside to the Air Conditioning, get a drink, cool off, mentally and physically.
Go find the big set of Channel Locks. 20 minutes later, the filter looks like it has been sandblasted due to lack of paint, and it is still as tight as ever.
Sudden inspiration, the old screwdriver through the filter method.
Grab big Phillips head screwdriver and hammer.
Stalk back to the car with a maniacal look in eye, hell bent on revenge.
Angle the screw driver so you can turn it, then spend 15 minutes trying to beat the thing through the filter with no room to move the hammer. Spin it a quarter turn, and then realize you can't get the screwdriver out. Get screwdriver out, realizing that you have now turned the filter a whole 16th of a turn, and can't get it any more due to the screwdriver being to big.
Go get another screwdriver.
This one is too big also.
Go get ALL the screwdrivers.
meanwhile, hot oil is leaking out all over the car, and you have frantically repositioned the catch pan about 5 times.
Filter finally comes off.
go back inside to clean up, get in the AC, and have another Kool Aid.
Come back outside, grab the new filter and crush washer, and spin it on - hand tight.
Hand tighten being as tight as you can get it with both hands and a rag on the filter. Wonder if it will ever come off again.
Get the crush washers confused as to old and new.
Spend 5 minutes of intense examination to finally see the area that has been crushed, hence the name. DUH
Put the crush washer on the drain screw, and torque it to 33 #. Almost there...
Put both wheels back on.
Lower car. Do not attempt to remove jack stands until you are ABSOLUTELY sure the jack has cleared them both. A car gathers a lot of momentum dropping a half inch onto a jack. Nothing dented, so all OK.
Tighten lug nuts to 80# on one side. Go to other side and tighten to 80#. Go back to first side and re-check, as you can't remember if you got all the nuts.
Re-tighten all nuts.
This puts doubt about the second side in your head, so re-check them.
Re-tighten all other nuts.
Alright, DONE.
Get key, put in ignition, OH SHIT, there is no oil in my car.
Put oil in car, 5 quarts, like it says.
Wait a few to let it all drain.
Notice that the car is sitting really funny with the wheels all canted out at the top. Hope it goes away when I drive it. If not, the car is sold. period. after putting a few .45 rounds through it.
Take it for a spin, after letting the oil get good and circulated.
Pull back into the garage, check for leaks, ahhhhhh all done. Nope, not even close.
Get the catch pan and filter from the corner where you slung it to.
Attempt to drain the rest of the oil out of the filter. Slice hands on the metal edges where the screwdriver poked through. Curse loudly again. Hope there are no kids outside....
Go get the hammer and beat the edges flat. Double bag the filter and throw in garbage (not ecologically responsible, but for what they charge for trash pickup, they can deal with it)
wipe down entire surface of catch pan, so you think, then get the empty containers to refill with old oil.
Spill a half a quart on the garage floor attempting to fill up a bottle. Figure out that you have to support the catch pan. Attempt to support it with your body, sitting on the floor, with it propped between your legs. Spill another half a quart on you when the damn oily thing slips on your my legs.
Finally get all the bottles filled, kinda, minus the oil on the floor and you.
Put the oil bottles away.
Spend a half hour cleaning the garage floor.
Spend another half hour picking up every tool you own and attempting to go inside.
Wife stops you at door, not allowing you into the house, as you have gone from clean yuppie to homeless looking hobo, covered in oil.
Spend another 10 minutes cleaning up with degreaser in the garage.
Go outside to hose off, and burn yourself one last time, as the hose has been left uncoiled in the 95 degree sun all day.
Wait 5 minutes for the water to cool, and get cleaned up enough to go inside.
After shower, go buy a filter wrench. Contemplate life, and assure yourself that next time you can get it done in 20 minutes.
ALL OF THE ABOVE WAS ACCOMPLISHED WITHOUT THE AID OF BEER
Print out the "guide to jacking" off the NSXPrime FAQ website. Not "guide to jacking off", as everyone should be fairly proficient at that already.
Print out the "how to change your oil" off the NSXPrime FAQ website.
Go down to the car, find the lift points and the stand points.
Double check for cracks, etc, from the previous owner's stupidity.
Get out the jack, lug it over to the car, being careful not to get anywhere near the car, as the jack is old and heavy.
Put the jack near the car, realize the damn thing is too high to get under the low ass car.
Spend a half an hour taking the jack apart, then figure out it is a 5 minute thing to take the cap off.
Jack the car up. The jack is very old, not well lubed, and only goes up about a 16th of an inch each pump of the handle, so damn near kill yourself pumping. Not near as fun as your old nympho girlfriend.
Handle is now bent.
Put jack stands under one side of car. Car is at a 45 degree angle and is making funny creaking noises like you are stressing suspension parts that are not designed to be stressed.
Go over to the other side, carrying the jack like a little baby, so I don't drop it on the car. (wheels don't roll due to rust)
Put jack under car, then realize you have parked too close to the side of the garage to get the handle of the jack in place. Find biggest screwdriver you have, and use that as the handle. Screwdriver flexes dangerously on each downstroke, and there is not full motion till the car is almost totally up in the air. The above takes slightly short of forever.
Get jack stands underneath car.
Realize car is now at the right height to get in and out of, contemplate a lift kit and some Mickey Thompsons.
Re-read the "change your oil" paper and realize you forgot to loosen the lug nuts to get access to the oil filter.
Go over to the drivers side, and loosen everything up.
Due to being a cheap bastard and buying 2 ton jack stands from Wal-Mart, the car is wobbling like one of those motion-simulator rides at King's Dominion. Uh ohh.
Stand back, wait for the car to either fall, or settle down. She finally settles down.
Pull the wheel, realize chrome wheels are way too heavy. Vow never to race anyone. Look around and no filter. WTF. Re-read the paper, and realize you pulled the wrong side wheel off. You don't THINK the neighbors heard the obscenities.
Go to passengers side, remove lug nuts VERY slowly. Drop wheel in lap trying not to upset car on stands. Hit nuts (yours, not car lug), whimper, think $75 is not that much money for a dealership oil change, and then realize the oil is still in the car and you have not accomplished anything yet. REALLY think about the $75 and how by not drinking beer all month the oil change would really be free...
See oil filter, and wonder if you have something big enough to remove it (forgot to buy filter wrench, no problem, you'll use channel locks.) RIGHT....
Crawl under the car, burning arms and hands on exhaust. had to go in from the back due to all the shit in the garage. Wrong size socket. get out from underneath car.
Get another socket. crawl back under car. Wrong size socket. ARGGG!!! Get out from underneath car.
Get entire socket set, take under car with me. Finally find socket that fits, and can't get a good angle on it with your little socket wrench.
Crawl back out from under the car, and get the torque wrench.
Crawl back under the car. Exhaust has now cooled enough that you can stand to touch it for more than a tenth of a second.
Lay under car for 10 minutes on the cool concrete getting your breath back and thinking how nice a nap would be.
Finally get the drain plug out. Oil is still hot enough to burn, even through the scar tissue the exhaust gave you about a half hour ago.
Let it drain, go inside to the Air Conditioning, get a drink, cool off, mentally and physically.
Go find the big set of Channel Locks. 20 minutes later, the filter looks like it has been sandblasted due to lack of paint, and it is still as tight as ever.
Sudden inspiration, the old screwdriver through the filter method.
Grab big Phillips head screwdriver and hammer.
Stalk back to the car with a maniacal look in eye, hell bent on revenge.
Angle the screw driver so you can turn it, then spend 15 minutes trying to beat the thing through the filter with no room to move the hammer. Spin it a quarter turn, and then realize you can't get the screwdriver out. Get screwdriver out, realizing that you have now turned the filter a whole 16th of a turn, and can't get it any more due to the screwdriver being to big.
Go get another screwdriver.
This one is too big also.
Go get ALL the screwdrivers.
meanwhile, hot oil is leaking out all over the car, and you have frantically repositioned the catch pan about 5 times.
Filter finally comes off.
go back inside to clean up, get in the AC, and have another Kool Aid.
Come back outside, grab the new filter and crush washer, and spin it on - hand tight.
Hand tighten being as tight as you can get it with both hands and a rag on the filter. Wonder if it will ever come off again.
Get the crush washers confused as to old and new.
Spend 5 minutes of intense examination to finally see the area that has been crushed, hence the name. DUH
Put the crush washer on the drain screw, and torque it to 33 #. Almost there...
Put both wheels back on.
Lower car. Do not attempt to remove jack stands until you are ABSOLUTELY sure the jack has cleared them both. A car gathers a lot of momentum dropping a half inch onto a jack. Nothing dented, so all OK.
Tighten lug nuts to 80# on one side. Go to other side and tighten to 80#. Go back to first side and re-check, as you can't remember if you got all the nuts.
Re-tighten all nuts.
This puts doubt about the second side in your head, so re-check them.
Re-tighten all other nuts.
Alright, DONE.
Get key, put in ignition, OH SHIT, there is no oil in my car.
Put oil in car, 5 quarts, like it says.
Wait a few to let it all drain.
Notice that the car is sitting really funny with the wheels all canted out at the top. Hope it goes away when I drive it. If not, the car is sold. period. after putting a few .45 rounds through it.
Take it for a spin, after letting the oil get good and circulated.
Pull back into the garage, check for leaks, ahhhhhh all done. Nope, not even close.
Get the catch pan and filter from the corner where you slung it to.
Attempt to drain the rest of the oil out of the filter. Slice hands on the metal edges where the screwdriver poked through. Curse loudly again. Hope there are no kids outside....
Go get the hammer and beat the edges flat. Double bag the filter and throw in garbage (not ecologically responsible, but for what they charge for trash pickup, they can deal with it)
wipe down entire surface of catch pan, so you think, then get the empty containers to refill with old oil.
Spill a half a quart on the garage floor attempting to fill up a bottle. Figure out that you have to support the catch pan. Attempt to support it with your body, sitting on the floor, with it propped between your legs. Spill another half a quart on you when the damn oily thing slips on your my legs.
Finally get all the bottles filled, kinda, minus the oil on the floor and you.
Put the oil bottles away.
Spend a half hour cleaning the garage floor.
Spend another half hour picking up every tool you own and attempting to go inside.
Wife stops you at door, not allowing you into the house, as you have gone from clean yuppie to homeless looking hobo, covered in oil.
Spend another 10 minutes cleaning up with degreaser in the garage.
Go outside to hose off, and burn yourself one last time, as the hose has been left uncoiled in the 95 degree sun all day.
Wait 5 minutes for the water to cool, and get cleaned up enough to go inside.
After shower, go buy a filter wrench. Contemplate life, and assure yourself that next time you can get it done in 20 minutes.
ALL OF THE ABOVE WAS ACCOMPLISHED WITHOUT THE AID OF BEER
