She just Left me After 5 years

[Ineed a_NSX]

This pretty personal to be posting, Been with my girl over 5 years, i am not going to get into the details of the situation. But the short version of the story is she needs to see that i have changed, and she will come back. So she said she only wants to talk once a month for now. I am pretty sure there is no one else. I know she is just hurt and wants some time,and needs to know i have changed before she comes back.

My question is how can i show her how and what i am doing if we only talk once a month ? Anyone have a advice towards getting her back ?

sorry in advance for spilling my guts here

 

[Dhalsim]

Are you Chris Brown?

 

[1FastVtec]

Unfortunately, these things happen my friend. First thing you need to do, if you haven't yet, is sit down and talk with her about what changes need to take place. You can't just tell someone they need to change and expect the best if they know nothing about what needs to be done. Then, figure yourself out and how you can go about these changes that will benefit the both of you. Really put an effort into showing her that you have made these changes in your life and you won't revert back to the "old ways" that started the entire thing in the first place.

I have been through this with my wife already, so I can speak from a standpoint. And, Im sure Im not the last, either. Keep us updated and GL with your pursuit of happiness.

 

[ChopsJazz]

Your story is sad. Have your girlfriend post here so we can hear her side of the story and then we can make some decisions.

Most likely there were signs along the (5 year) path that you probably overlooked or ignored. Change is difficult but it can be good. If the change she wants is the change that you want then do it. If it's just for the sake of keeping her your motives for change may be wrong.

Good luck.

 

[recoil]

We need more information (like what needs to be changed).

My gut tells me that if she requires you change and has left you, find someone else that won't require you to change and likes you for who you are.

 

[Ineed a_NSX]

Are you Chris Brown?

NO

First thing you need to do, if you haven't yet, is sit down and talk with her about what changes need to take place.

Thanks , yeah we did that, and then we went a month without talking, because i just didn't want to say i will change , like in the past. So i waited untill i had some proof ( actions )to show her that i was changing. ( which took a month) which then i called her up and told her about the change i had made but it wasn't enough to make her come back, she said she has to know for sure this time is for real to come back. I had flowers sent to her apt. for valentines day and i texted her asking if she got them, haven hear back from her. And i have spent the last 2 nights out with the boys getting drunker then i have gotten in some time ! And down here in South Florida there are lots of nice looking fish in the sea. It's fun to look at all night , keeps your mind off things.

 

[Ineed a_NSX]

We need more information (like what needs to be changed).

My gut tells me that if she requires you change and has left you, find someone else that won't require you to change and likes you for who you are.

I am the one at fault, she i the girl i want to spend the rest of my life with.
But people do grow apart after a while sometimes.

 

[fourringpilot]

Sounds like you need counseling. See a psychologist to explore all your feelings and examine your motivation in the relationship.
You will never have a good relationship with a mate until you have completely explored the essence of you. What truly makes you happy? Can you pursue the lifestyle that makes you happy? Do you love what you see in the mirror each morning?
Truth be told, the journey of discovering one's self is never truly realized. Go to a psychologist and start the journey. Search through the phone book and pick one the feels right for you. Even if you only do it once, you will not regret it.

 

[Ineed a_NSX]

Your story is sad. Have your girlfriend post here so we can hear her side of the story and then we can make some decisions.

Most likely there were signs along the (5 year) path that you probably overlooked or ignored. Change is difficult but it can be good. If the change she wants is the change that you want then do it. If it's just for the sake of keeping her your motives for change may be wrong.

Good luck.

I know we want the same things out of life. Though I think she is starting to wonder if i really do want the same things as her. She's not talking to me now i doubt i could get her to post ( LOL ) Yes we both want the same changes, I am just confused on why she will not even talk to me at least once a week to she where i am at ? And yes there as been lots of shit through the 5 years, I lost my best friend , he wanted to get with my girl and he told her about a time i cheated on her. which was about 2 years into our relationship and we got through that.

 

[NSXLVR]

Are you Chris Brown?

LMAO!

On a more serious note. You need to look in the mirror and figure out what you truly want. I'm shooting in the dark here, since you didnt list any of the issues, however seeing that you said something about cheating, I'm going to guess, part of it may deal with trust, and maybe of you growing up more. I dont know how old you are, but honestly, do you know what you want?

It's tough to hear "we both want the same things in life" and hear her leave. It sounds like you know what needs to be changed, but you're not willing to change

 

[BD]

It's a big ocean out there. 3 billion more girls for you to choose from. Have fun!!!

 

[NSX_Dreamer]

How old are you? How old is your girlfriend?

Based on your posts it seems like you are very young.

If you are young, move on and learn how to improve your next relationship.

There is never "the one and only" unless you're obsessed.

The best thing for you is to let your girl go. Move on. Learn how to be on with yourself. Only then will you be ready for a serious relationship that is not dysfunctional.

 

[ntgr8td]

being a personal thread for you and wondering on a personal note...and dont answer if you dont want to....but if you were split up due to an addiction or an abuse...you best get yourself into some sort of program and seek the help that you are after. with a program will come the correct counceling. if i am totally off...please disregard but do invite your life partner to couples counceling...it might be a way to show her that you want to work WITH her to make changes other than trying to tackle the changes on your own? if she still cares about you as much as you for her...she would accept the offer. dont become overbearing otherwise you will drive her away quicker than quick. i hope this helps and good luck...fish in the sea are wonderful but once you found one you like.....dont let it slip out of your hands

bill

 

[peiserg]

you should write to dear abby.

if you want i will save you the postage.

1: discuss with your clergy or rabbi
2:Seek professional help
3IITB

 

[warren1205]

I'm going through the same thing. Girlfriend and I broke up after 4 yrs into the relationship. I miss her very much, it's been a little over a month that I haven't seen or spoken to. But, I'm not looking or will be with her again. You can't change what you are. She met you that way and knew from the beginning. And if you change whatever it is you want to change, that's being fake.

 

[Sarge]

Good thing this happened before you got married.

 

[Briank]

Build a life for yourself and then find someone to share it with.

 

[nerzhulvendor]

Build a life for yourself and then find someone to share it with.

Hope to God they don't take half and run.

 

[Ineed a_NSX]

Just want to say thanks for all the replies, and do to being surprised at all the close guesses on my situation. here you go...



wow, well i never thought i would be spilling out my guts here on prime as i am. But here i go... She's 24 I am 27. She loved me alittle more than i loved her In the beginning of the relaonship,i was the wild enough to shot at kind, in the beginning, she is more of the unpretentious stright arrow type. untill 2 years into the realtionship when after i cheated on her. I woke up and realized she was a girl that i want to spend the rest of my life with, and i wasn't going to let her go.( never cheated again ) And i started growing up alittle more from there on. Which at the same time i started to break free from a bad drug addiction, and that i am now 3 years clean from. I never had to quit drinking, i remained drinking socially. With the exception of this weekend where i was drunk both nights.

Moving through an addiction was the hardest thing i had to do. I really just made the decision that i didn't want to live like that anymore. Not to sound like i am better than other people that have used a program, or that use a program to stay stright. But i just woke up everday and made the decision not to live like that any more, and used the support of my family. And the biggest thing that elped me was having her there by my side the whole time.

Yes i am still pretty young and do not know what i want to do for the rest of my life.(As far as a career ) I work in a family drywall company.(Which i hate , and is the tank right now )she has about 10 months left of school untill she starts working as an occupational therapist. Starting out making as much as 80k a year. So what put her over the edge and made her say i have had enough ?

Poker. There i said it. I just recently had to give up playing poker, i have played poker for over 10 years and, i am very good as well. I am a winning palyer( If there is such a thing )I know i am good enough to play for a living. Though there's only one problem, beacuse i have addictive tendencies ( if thats the right term ) And poker is addictive. I started to get addicted, and i displaced the bad things that come with being addicted to something, lying, and stealing.It is different from the drug i was addicted to. It is way more control-able. I have been down the road of being addicted to something so it was easyer to stop this time. Only this time it was too late to keep her in the process.

It has taken a toll on my girlfriend. Yes i have put her threw alot of crap. And she is gone this time, and wants her space for the first time in over 5 years. So i guess i need to give it to her, and just except her offer on talking once of month ?


I was not planing on talking about to much of my situation here.( because i like my i-trader rating the way it is )

 

[IsR]

Yes i am still pretty young and do not know what i want to do for the rest of my life

A friendly suggestion. Actually 27 yrs old is not 'still pretty young' in my book. if you still have this mentality, you still have a bit more to go. People at this age should know what they want and is already planning for it. My opinion get yourself sussed out, get a personal 5 year plan and 10 year plan, where you want to be. Get yourself reorganized(personally I think self discipline plays a major role) and re-evaluate 6 mths from now. As far as your girlfriend- for me if you only trying to please her, thats a good motivational leverage initially but won't recommend it in the long run. If she does love you she'll give you that time.
Good luck and take care.

 

[FrEsHaZzBuRu]

If poker is what's keeping her from you, quitting completely is the only way to go. Get rid of anything poker related in your living space, stop watching the poker tourneys on TV, and refrain from speaking about poker.

I love poker as well, and can probably make a living as I'm generally a winning player who can limit loses (fine with going home losing my 2 buy in limit on a rough long night), but it doesn't control my life where I'm dependent on getting my fix of play. However, I'll admit I have caught myself playing between 16 - 24 hours straight a few times.

Those changes listed are a very major step (in which you may or may have not done already) in getting her back. Make sure your conversations with her do not imply desperation - just let her know you're doing well and you hope the same for her. Small conversation would fit in here as well, and as those conversations become more frequent, inviting her out for lunch may come around. I wish I could be more help but it's hard not knowing the background and personalities of any of you like I do my friends who I share lots of advice with; hopefully the simple approaches listed can get you started. Good luck to you.

 

[jond]

Sucks man. Hope everything turns out okay.
You should call up Tom Leykis. He'll be harsh, but maybe its the advise you need...
http://www.blowmeuptom.com/

 

[theman1990]

Yeah I'd say at this point you might have waited too long... As a general rule the 'limits' she's set are more just to make it easier to move on. Maybe not, but based on what i've seen with friends/family that's the way it goes. Anyhow... like everyone else here has said, time to kick the poker.

NEXT: Another thing that you mentioned is the disparate education levels between you, or at least employment (assuming you aren't holding a degree and doing drywall.) Many people want a partner commensurate to themselves in that department... Not everyone, but more often than not it seems to be the case. She might be looking at "the future" and seeing herself as a masters or Ph.d holding OT and you are working drywall over at the new McDonald's in Recita (Hey Peter, wanna beer man?) I'd suggest maybe quitting poker and possibly enrolling in school. Consider a business degree in the event that you want/need to stay with the family business... Just my .02 FWIW.

 

[gdae]

If poker is what's keeping her from you, quitting completely is the only way to go. Get rid of anything poker related in your living space, stop watching the poker tourneys on TV, and refrain from speaking about poker..

Word.
Every single one of my prior relationships has ended when the girl shuts down communication. That’s a bad sign. It might be too late.
First you need to see if she ever wants to hear from you again. Then:
If you don’t go scorched earth on the poker then you can kiss her bye-bye.

 

[NSX_Dreamer]

Ok so you're 27, she's 24. That means you guys have been together since she was 19, and you were 22.

I don't care what ANYONE says, at age 19 / 22 you are simply never experienced enough to say "oh she's the one, the one and only."

So what if you guys have spent 5 years together? Toss that out the window. Start fresh, and improve yourself now, especially in this crappy economy.

Like someone else mentioned, you need a 5 year plan, and a 10 year plan. Your prime time is going to run out unless you take control of your life and move it to a positive direction.

Contrary to what you may think, the problem is NOT poker. The problem is that you have failed to take direction in your life and started to plan for the rest of your life.

Here is what you need to do: 1 - get a professional degree. 2 - learn to let go, and then start dating other people. Item 1 will make you more competitive for jobs and women. Item 2 will make you more well rounded, and you'll realize there are lots of fish in the sea.

Young love is unique, cherish it for what it was, but move the hell on. Forget her for now. That is the best thing for her and you. You guys have been in this dysfunctional relationship long enough. Tear free and let her move on with her life, and you go to improve yourself and your life.

Best of luck man.