Advice on longterm relationship

[REFLUX]

*Cliff notes at the bottom*

Right so I guess this being my first post, it doesn't say much about me but I've been lurking Prime for a while and signed up a few months ago.
So an official "HI" to all!
Hope my post doesn't seem too juvenile

Quick background:
-Been with my current girlfriend for 3 years
-Like every relationship there has been highs & lows but when it's low...I get to the point of wanting to break up/leave her.
-Solving problems with her is painful, she doesn't want to talk about things/resolve the problem & gets upset over things I find silly.
-We're both 21 & in university

Current Dilemna:
-I'm getting tired of always being the one who messes up. I can honestly say that I rarely get mad at her over some things she does, I just shrug it off and try to see past it. But she always gets mad at me for things I do/do not do.
-After numerous talks with her to try & improve our problem solving, she continues to get upset quickly, ignore me when I try to talk to her (i.e. hangs up on me), gives me attitude and has even made a scene in public (which is quite unacceptable to me).

I'm tired of it. Though there are many qualities about her that I enjoy, it's like she has bipolar disorder (but she really doesn't). When things are good, they're good. When things are bad, they're terrible & I LOATH it...sometimes even her.
She can switch from having a great time to COMPLETELY ignoring me & slam doors in my face.

Question:
-For you guys who are/were in a longterm relationship (married, engaged, long time gf), did you ever doubt your significant other? Did you ever think that after all this time, they may not be the one for you?
-What did you do about it?
-Advice pls

*Note:
-I know this sounds like a stereotypical "young adult, relationship drama story" and some of you probably think this is like any other relationship problem...to some extent I agree.
But the main problem for me is that I am about to graduate university and I would like to begin to plan out my life, being with or without my current girlfriend will affect those plans.

Any constructive feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Cliff Notes:
-Long term gf
-Doubting whether or not she is the right person
-Graduating university soon, being with or without gf will affect what I do after school.
-Advice pls.

 

[NsXMas]

I think you are still very young to have a serious relationship.

I didn't get settled down until 30. If you read Charles Barkley's autobiography, you will see that is one of the things he wishes he had done - waited to settle down til when he was 30.

You're about to graduate. Focus on finding that first job, knowing that it will be transitory and a stepping stone to better opportunities. A serious relationship will close some doors for you at this point in time.

Good luck.

 

[hlweyl]

-We're both 21 & in university

You're too young to be that serious, marriage is 20 times harder. Take a break from the girlfriend/boyfriend thing for a long while. Try to stay friends with her though.

I recommend dating as many girls as you can. As you get older, you start to realize what are the traits that are most important to you in a woman. Date blondes, brunettes, black, white, asain, latina etc and keep going till your done and you know what you really want!

good luck

 

[Dave Hardy]

I married my high school girlfriend at 22. I'm about to turn 29. We've been together for 10 years and married for 6. We have the best marriage of anyone I know. The key is respect. We both respect each other.

Your woman doesn't respect you. If she doesn't respect you, then she can't love you. I suspect the same is happening on your end. I say break it off, chalk it up to experince, and move on. The right spouse can make your life more wonderful than it could ever be without her. The wrong one can make it a living hell. Don't invest any more time in the wrong one.

 

[SCS2k]

Why are you coming to a board of perfect strangers, where you have never posted, and asking for potentially life-altering advice?

Look to people you know and trust, not anonymous strangers on a car website.

 

[CokerRat]

SCS2K is right but I'll bite anyway. Dating is all about selecting a partner for a permanent commitment. Things that bother you now will not go away, they will continue to be problems. Good times are always good -- that's no measure of anything. IMO the most important qualities are the ability to resolve problems (communication, compromising) and continuing to be friends / partners even when things are upside down. Ask yourself if you can imagine being married to her in 20 years when the sex has cooled off but the problems remain.

 

[REFLUX]

SCS2k:
that's the thing, sometimes perfect strangers can see things more objectively than those you know. But I have taken your advice and spoken with people I know as well. It's just that I don't know many people much older than me, married & have a lot of life experience.

Thank you EVERYONE for your insight and thoughts, they have helped a lot.

Even my mom said that dating at such a young age and making it so serious can be a mistake

 

[loNfastNSX]

Dave Hardy and CokerRat are obviously knowledgeable gentelmen when it comes to matters of the heart. First off you need to do what is right for YOUR future as far as life altering decisions are concerned. Dont turn down an opertunity because of a girl. You may regret it later and then come to resent her for it. The right woman will only add to your success and ultimatly enhance all aspects of your life. If you have entertained the thought of leaving her due to the way she treats you then you have already made up your mind, just have not followed through. I do feel from what Ive read that she does not respect you in the way that a true partner should. If you have discussed the situation with her and she has not shown any attempt to alter her ways, then maybe its best that you take a little time and consider ALL of your options. Think of your future with her, and then think of your future without her. I dont know what your field of study is, but if my fiancee was to cause a scene at one of business functions, Id be humiliated in front of people who have to respect my authority. Im the VP of engineering for a polymer co. She has attended several functions with me and has exceeded all my expectation of what she should be and how she should conduct herself. Does that sound a little sexist? anyway, without the respect, theres not much else. Good luck.

 

[rickysals]

Coming out of high school I had 2 plans, one was playing football for Tressel at OSU, majoring in architecture, other was staying closer to home so I could stay with my girl, going to a diff university, no football, and engineering major.

Being the romantic idiot I am, I chose the girl path. I did fine at the school in engineering but it wasn't exactly my passion. We eventually broke up... late enough to cost me my football career in college. I hadn't lifted in 16 months... and I was already slightly undersized. I then transferred to where I am at and after bouncing around majors, found myself in Visual Communication Design. I'm in there now, working towards my VCD degree.


Yea I was younger than you (i jmust turned 21) but the moral is the same. Choose the career YOU want. This is no time to be unselfish. Relationships come and go, but your life is always there. you have to live it.

I mean she's young too, girls are quirky, what if in 15 months she decides you are not what she wants... you are stuck with a lifepath you didn't want, that could take years to reverse and correct.

Just be careful... i hate telling someone to do that, but that's what happened to me.

GOOD LUCK BRO!

 

[rickysals]

*

-Like every relationship there has been highs & lows but when it's low...I get to the point of wanting to break up/leave her.


-Solving problems with her is painful, she doesn't want to talk about things/resolve the problem & gets upset over things I find silly.


-I'm getting tired of always being the one who messes up. I can honestly say that I rarely get mad at her over some things she does, I just shrug it off and try to see past it. But she always gets mad at me for things I do/do not do.


-After numerous talks with her to try & improve our problem solving, she continues to get upset quickly, ignore me when I try to talk to her (i.e. hangs up on me), gives me attitude and has even made a scene in public (which is quite unacceptable to me).

i just read the WHOLE thing again, I could have wrote this much word for word. with my ex. I was BEYOND inlove with her at the time,

hope it works out for ya man. girls are evil! haha

 

[Ryanmcd2]

I always think of this a good friend I have told me this.

Marriage, Nothing better then a good one, nothing worse then a bad one.

Don't be that guy that works late so he does not have to go see his wife and kids.

 

[NSXROX]

Ditto to what Ryan said above.

I've had relationships with girls like the type you describe. There are guys that can deal with women like that, and like myself, those that refuse to. There's lots of well-adjusted women out there. Don't settle if you're not happy.

It's a lot more expensive to get a divorce than to get married.

 

[dynatac]

http://www.blowmeuptom.com

start listening.

cliff notes or brief summary of what tom would say:
realize your dreams before settling down.

 

[KingsCourt]

DAVE HARDY, like me, is a happily married man from what I can tell. I love my wife to death and wouldn't change her for anybody, nor anything. I knew this before we got married. Don't even think about marrying someone who makes you feel as you described. If it's bad now, it will only get worse later. Learn from this relationship, and you'll know what to stay away from in the future.

If you pick the wrong partner, you might as well shoot yourself in the head. From what you've said, let her go. If you are blessed with the right one down the road, you will look back and smile as you realize the bullet that you dodged.

 

[NetViper]

I would also say let her go or at least take a break for a while. It is time to focus on you for a while and get your life in the direction you want to go. Otherwise you will never be happy.

 

[Casper91]

*Cliff notes at the bottom*
Right so I guess this being my first post, it doesn't say much about me but I've been lurking Prime for a while and signed up a few months ago.
So an official "HI" to all!

Welcome.


Lets look at a few of your own statements:

• Solving problems with her is painful, she doesn't want to talk about things/resolve the problem & gets upset over things I find silly.
• But she always gets mad at me for things I do/do not do.
• she continues to get upset quickly,
• ignore me when I try to talk to her (i.e. hangs up on me),
• gives me attitude and has even made a scene in public (which is quite unacceptable to me).
• I'm tired of it.When things are bad, they're terrible & I LOATH it...sometimes even her.
• She can switch from having a great time to COMPLETELY ignoring me & slam doors in my face.

Now what did you want to ask?

You are both 21. Still very young. Marriage at this age will be a huge problem later. Especially after the points you have already made.

But the main problem for me is that I am about to graduate university and I would like to begin to plan out my life, being with or without my current girlfriend will affect those plans.

Why would she have any effect on your plans with your life? My vote...
move on with your life.

The best advice I received before getting married (from someone who was married) was, any problem, any anoyance, anything that bugs you about her will be magnified 10 times after you are married. Still want to marry her???

 

[NemesisX]

-Solving problems with her is painful, .......

-I'm getting tired of always being the one who messes up.......

-........(which is quite unacceptable to me).

-I'm tired of it..........

Like Casper said,
I believe you know the answer to your question...but lets put it in a different perspective....

If your mother or brother came to you telling you exactly what you told us, what would you tell them?

 

[wagyshag]

You are both 21. Still very young. Marriage at this age will be a huge problem later. Especially after the points you have already made. :

That is Bull Crap! Getting Married at 21 is not too young; and for those that stated having a serious relationship at 21 is too young...come on....
My wife and I started dating when I was 15, she was 14. We got Married when I was 21. Been Married for 8 years.....we also have our highs / lows but I would never ever change a thing.

:[/QUOTE]
The best advice I received before getting married (from someone who was married) was, any problem, any anoyance, anything that bugs you about her will be magnified 10 times after you are married. Still want to marry her???
[/QUOTE]

Magnified 10x ????? uuuuuuuh IDK about that. I know that dating my wife for 6 years before we got Married, if we had an argument, fight, disagreement ect. things seemed to escalate to the point of "hang up the phone, not talk for a couple of days; things along those lines.
However, being Married IMHO (for lack of a better word) forces you to reconcile (sp?).

My advice is - if you truly feel she is "the one" then don't listen to the BULL CRAP - "your too young to do this or that" - do what your heart tells you.
If you don't feel / know she is "the one" (and you should know by now) then break-up.

 

[Casper91]

That is Bull Crap! Getting Married at 21 is not too young; and for those that stated having a serious relationship at 21 is too young...come on....

Well don't you seem to be the exception to the rule.
Try reading the negative points REFLUX has already listed.

However, being Married IMHO (for lack of a better word) forces you to reconcile (sp?).

Yeah, tell that to the 50% divorce rate.

It might be more mature of you to say you don't share the opinions of other married people who have posted. But "BULL CRAP"!??

 

[CokerRat]

wagyshag, once you're certain you've picked the right one and are married, then yes you are obligated to work out all your problems, good times and bad.

But REFLUX is still just dating. The whole point of dating is to figure out if she IS the one. Everything he said indicates she is NOT. Dating is all about figuring out what is really important and what is not because most of us have the wrong idea when we are young. Seriously, it's great that your marriage to your teenage sweetheart has withstood the test of time -- it speaks well of your abilities to make a family work. But let's face facts, the vast majority of men would be making a life-crippling mistake to marry the first girl they ever got semi-serious with. I remember the girls I dated when I was 18-20 versus the one I chose to marry, they are worlds apart!

The point is he doesn't have to marry her if she's not the right one. Break-ups are ugly after you've been serious, but it's a helluva lot better than divorcing 10 years down the road when there are children involved. Realize what has to be done, then get it done!

 

[wagyshag]

wagyshag, once you're certain you've picked the right one and are married, then yes you are obligated to work out all your problems, good times and bad.

But REFLUX is still just dating. The whole point of dating is to figure out if she IS the one. Everything he said indicates she is NOT. Dating is all about figuring out what is really important and what is not because most of us have the wrong idea when we are young. Seriously, it's great that your marriage to your teenage sweetheart has withstood the test of time -- it speaks well of your abilities to make a family work. But let's face facts, the vast majority of men would be making a life-crippling mistake to marry the first girl they ever got semi-serious with. I remember the girls I dated when I was 18-20 versus the one I chose to marry, they are worlds apart!

The point is he doesn't have to marry her if she's not the right one. Break-ups are ugly after you've been serious, but it's a helluva lot better than divorcing 10 years down the road when there are children involved. Realize what has to be done, then get it done!

Point very well spoken and taken!!
I see what you are saying...and def. agree. I overreacted and spoke out of turn I guess.....
B.T.W. Thank You for the compliment ("Seriously, it's great that your marriage to your teenage sweetheart has withstood the test of time -- it speaks well of your abilities to make a family work.")

 

[fannsx]

I see lots of good comments and suggestions as I read through all of the above.
A relationship is a two way street.
I think there is too little info and specifics for any one of us to judge whether she is "THE ONE" or not.
Yes, if you have major problems now, then they usually get much worse after marriage.
But if you have never had fights or disagreements, then you two are probably not ready for marriage either.
I almost lost an opportunity for my medical career once because of a girl in college. Get yourself financially stable before thinking of marriage.
If she is still'THE ONE" by then,I wil go for it.
In the mean time, get your career going and keep dating her or someone else.

 

[Patdeisa]

I'm a relatively newlywed (<2 years) who was in a similar situation, although we never had fights that bad. Here's my answers to your questions:

1) I doubted once about my wife, but it was more if I could live with her goals (and what I may be asked to sacrifice *cough**NSX**cough*{see below on what I knew would be asked for}) instead of if I could live with her. I never doubted that we would work as a couple.

2) I married the girl anyway- she's worth more to me than any car. The first time I saw my wife, I told my college roommate, "I could marry a girl like that." It took 4 years (6 months to get her to date me), but it happened. If you're unsure, don't let your relationship determine your choices.

Advice for you:
1) Make sure you take the career path you want. If she's the one, it'll work out eventually. Don't pass up an opportunity for her, as you'll be severely disappointed in life later.

2) I'm not so certain about having only "the one." I think it's more about if it's one who's compatable. I know there are other girls out there that I could probably make things work with, but I married the first one I found.

3) See #1: Take the path of your choice. Pieces will come together eventually if you know what you want.

4) 21 is young, but not too young. I married at 25, and my only small regret was that I found my wife too fast- I couldn't let her go once I found her, as I knew another guy would pick her up fast if I didn't (I took her away from another guy). I wish I would have met her 2 years down the road (although, my grades went way up after we started dating). The good thing is she is willing to try to make up on new things that my single friends get to do... :biggrin:

*Note on NSX: the money I spent on the wedding and her schooling is equal to a '93 NSX in excellent condition. Then again, she's puts up with me, so she's definitely worth it.

 

[xxx]

Get a chinchilla.
They are cute, fuzzy, don't cost a lot, and willloveyoulongtime. :biggrin:

NEXT.

 

[Dtrigg]

Why in God's name would you ask a group of people that own a certain type of vehicle about advice regarding your personal relationship? We are STRANGERS to you! Do you find some connection between having an NSX and advice regarding relationships? We don't know her or her position regarding this relationship! We don't know you!

Grow up! Try to get through your education. If you have to ask us about your personal relationship with this young lady, it should be obvious that it isn't working. Is this for real or are you pulling our string?