Joke of the Day

[passline]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,
She became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we were friends.'

 

[tosugrad]

Bank Robbery

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to
load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer
without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by
now very scared,looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak.

Then, one old man tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping
his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'

 

[gdae]

Did I ever tell you guys about the job I had with the circus as a human cannonball? I was hired and fired in the same day.
It’s hard to find a man of my caliber.

 

[tosugrad]

Subject: Gynecologist's Assistant.

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing
oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual
salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , Montana ."

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."

 

[gleibig]

http://www.hulu.com/watch/143264/saturday-night-live-shake-weight-dvd

 

[Mike-san]

A father shark is teaching his son how to hunt for human swimmers....

"Now son, first get kinda close and start making circles around them w/ your fin slightly above the surface......."

"After making a few rotations, increase your swimming speed and stick your fin higher above the water....."

"After a few more rotations, charge the swimmer and make your first bite...."

"But Dad"....the son asks...."What's w/ all the the circling ?" "Why not just charge in right away and take them by surprise ?"

The father shark answers...."Because they taste better when all the Sh#t is out of them !"

 

[Brylek]

~A Cup of Tea ~



One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After
several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mum
came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him cup
of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure
enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and
she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to
you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

 

[MIZZOUNNC]

At Texas University were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.? They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to campus until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...




For 95 points: Which tire? _________

 

[Dtrigg]

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asks, “Really?

And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies “My wife”.

 

[ChopsJazz]

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."




The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

[sca037]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne" ?

"No," said the little boy......."It's a puppy !"

 

[Jetpilot3]

As heard from a guest on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart:

A man is getting ready for bed when he hears a knock at the front door. Surprised at the late night call he answers the door to see a small snail who proceeds to ask "Sir can I interest you in a year long magazine subscription?".

Clearly annoyed with the snail the man kicks the snail away, slams the door and proceeds to bed.

Two years later the man hears the front doorbell ring, answers it and sees the snail who proceeds to say "What the fuck was that all about?"....:biggrin:

 

[ChopsJazz]

A turtle is in a police station being questioned by the police.

"So, you say two snails jumped you," says the officer. "Can you describe them?"

"No," says the turtle. "It all happened so fast."

 

[passline]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest
emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he
always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will
enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait... Sorry..
I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind.

 

[White92]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest
emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he
always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will
enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait... Sorry..
I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind.

LOL!!!!! that one has me rolling!

 

[passline]

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in Oklahoma.

 

[passline]

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

 

[passline]

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

 

[Vega$ NSX]

How do we know dog is man's best friend? Try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of a car for an hour. When you go back and open the trunk, which one do you think will be happy to see you?

 

[passline]

How do we know dog is man's best friend? Try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of a car for an hour. When you go back and open the trunk, which one do you think will be happy to see you?

LOL ..... :biggrin::biggrin: Never heard that one. :tongue:

 

[Vega$ NSX]

LOL ..... :biggrin::biggrin: Never heard that one. :tongue:

Haha and based on your profile pic, looks like we know which one you took out of the trunk and which one you kept locked in! Lol! :biggrin:

 

[passline]

Haha and based on your profile pic, looks like we know which one you took out of the trunk and which one you kept locked in! Lol! :biggrin:

haha! :biggrin: How 'bout this one?

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

 

[White92]

Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brother for Christmas.

Your friend, Billy



Dear Billy,

Send me your mom.

Regards, Santa

 

[Dtrigg]

DOG FOR SALE :

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

 

[passline]

"hahaha!" You're too much Doug. :biggrin:

Check this one out ............


There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna




The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman...

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna