Joke of the Day

[alum04org]

The Golfer

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.

"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!"

 

[SFNSXguy]

Question:
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?



Answer:
Run like hell -- she's got a grenade!!!!!

 

[passline]

This one may bring a little tear to your eyes . . . Only a golfer would understand this story of a GOLFER AT THE DENTIST.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him . . . .

 

[gleibig]

A blonde was

weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, who was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

 

[Matt Knight]

[h=5]A pirate walks into a bar with the ships wheel on his pants. Bartender says, "Hey Capt, there's a wheel on your pants." Pirate replies, "Aar, its drivin' me nuts."
[/h]

 

[Vega$ NSX]

[h=5]A pirate walks into a bar with the ships wheel on his pants. Bartender says, "Hey Capt, there's a wheel on your pants." Pirate replies, "Aar, its drivin' me nuts."
[/h]

A dyslexic pirate walks into a bra.

- - - Updated - - -

An aspiring blonde gymnast goes up to a coach as asks him, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" The coach asks, "How flexible are you?" She replies, "I can't do Tuesdays."

 

[freeon]

A man walks into his house with a sheep under his arm. When his wife asked what he was doing he replied this is the pig I have been sleeping with for the last six months. The wife said that's not a pig that's a sheep. The husband says to his wife I wasn't talking to you I was talking to the sheep.

 

[sca037]

Irish Furniture Dealer.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn 't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

[V.Lats97nsx]

Since we have a black president and all and we are all for same sex marriages. I got one for ya
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?
Freezer doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

 

[alum04org]

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

:biggrin:

 

[alum04org]

Motorcycle maintenance

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much
luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for
sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although
it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it
in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really, says the seller, 'Whenever
the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on
the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet
her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him
and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family
before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person
who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living
room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up
on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty
dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says
a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage
of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her,
rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and does it,
right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously
livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down,
but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom and does the same thing right
there on the dinner table.
After that, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the
Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it
starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline
from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!'

 

[quack]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much
luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for
sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although
it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it
in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really, says the seller, 'Whenever
the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on
the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet
her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him
and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family
before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person
who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living
room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up
on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty
dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says
a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage
of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her,
rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and does it,
right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously
livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down,
but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom and does the same thing right
there on the dinner table.
After that, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the
Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it
starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline
from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!'

Lol this one got me to bust out laughing.

 

[alum04org]

Turpentine versus Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of turpentine.

He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'

 

[gleibig]

Will a .25 calibre protect you from a Grizzly?


This is a story of self control and marksmanship with a small calibre hand gun used by a woman against a fierce predator.

Ask yourself, what is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? Try the Beretta Jetfire.

The woman explains, "While out hiking with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere.

She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive!

"If I had not had my little .25 Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

"Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took!

The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

"It's one of the best pistols in my collection!

 

[alum04org]

Financial planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and
I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.


Three months later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

[sca037]

..Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.


I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man..


And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."




Apparently I'm still lost.................it's a guy thing.

 

[SFNSXguy]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems
to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.

When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water
and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or
goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.

I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water
do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth
shut that does the trick..."

 

[dquarasr2]

OK, since this thread seems to not care about being politically correct . . . . :tongue:

A farmer goes into a drug store and tells the pharmacist "My daughter here needs birth control." The pharmacist looks at the young girl and asks "Really? How old is she?"

The farmer replies "Thirteen".

And the pharmacist exclaims "She's only thirteen and sexually active?!?"

To which the farmer replies "No, she just lays there like her Mama."

 

[Brylek]

A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the hell had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the backround, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

 

[alum04org]

Alaska

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow...."

 

[gleibig]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

 

[sca037]

I think it is just terrible and disgusting
how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong.
I think he is amazing in what he did,
especially after what he achieved
winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.

When I was on drugs,
I couldn't even ride my stupid bike!

 

[kookoo4nsx]

Obama goes to a school to talk to the kids and to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did you go to bed the night of the Benghazi raid and only talk to your cabinet one time when you KNEW Americans lives were on the line?
Second, why are you President when we still have no clue where you were born?
Third, what REALLY happened to all of the money you gave to green energy corporations that are now bankrupt?
Fourth, if I don't do my homework I get punished ... why haven't you submitted a budget to Congress when the LAW says you were supposed to submit one by the first Monday in February?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, now ... where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question,Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did you go to bed the night of the Benghazi raid and only talk to your cabinet one time when you KNEW Americans lives were on the line?
Second, why are you President when we still have no clue where you were born?
Third, what REALLY happened to all of the money you gave to green energy corporations that are now bankrupt?
Fourth, if I don't do my homework I get punished ... why haven't you submitted a budget to Congress when the LAW says you were supposed to submit one by the first Monday in February?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the heck happened to Stanley?"

 

[robr]

That's not even a joke, it's a political statement disguised as a joke.

 

[DRIFTER]

That's not even a joke, it's a political statement disguised as a joke.

^The truth isent all that funny^

I think it is just terrible and disgusting
how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong.
I think he is amazing in what he did,
especially after what he achieved
winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.

When I was on drugs,
I couldn't even ride my stupid bike!

Whenever I'm having a bad day I like to remember that I have just As many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.