I lost my mood ring yesterday.
I'm not sure how to feel about it.
I'm not sure how to feel about it.
-
Protip: Profile posts are public! Use Conversations to message other members privately. Everyone can see the content of a profile post.
Joke of the Day
- Thread starter tosugrad
- Start date
:tennis:
I stole this from Fred Burton from this past Saturday, who organizes the Exotic Car Toys for Tots Rally. Thanks, Fred.
My friend brought over his Rottweiler for us to dog-sit. We let him out into our back yard.
A little while later he comes back with the neighbor’s rabbit in his mouth. “Oh, no!”
I didn’t know what to do, so I just put it back in its cage outside in the back of my neighbor’s house.
About an hour later, our neighbors came home and we heard them screaming in the back yard.
Feigning ignorance, I asked what was wrong. They said “Our rabbit died two days ago, and we buried him in the back yard, and he came back!!!”
My friend brought over his Rottweiler for us to dog-sit. We let him out into our back yard.
A little while later he comes back with the neighbor’s rabbit in his mouth. “Oh, no!”
I didn’t know what to do, so I just put it back in its cage outside in the back of my neighbor’s house.
About an hour later, our neighbors came home and we heard them screaming in the back yard.
Feigning ignorance, I asked what was wrong. They said “Our rabbit died two days ago, and we buried him in the back yard, and he came back!!!”
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression" Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding". "I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth, give me an Amen.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression" Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding". "I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth, give me an Amen.
Last edited:
[FONT="]An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".[/FONT]
[FONT="]His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."[/FONT]
[FONT="]A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."[/FONT]
[FONT="]After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"[/FONT]
[FONT="]Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."[/FONT]
[FONT="]Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.[/FONT]
[FONT="]He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.[/FONT]
[FONT="]The wife says, "What the hell was that?"[/FONT]
[FONT="]The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."[/FONT]
[FONT="]His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."[/FONT]
[FONT="]A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."[/FONT]
[FONT="]After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"[/FONT]
[FONT="]Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."[/FONT]
[FONT="]Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.[/FONT]
[FONT="]He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.[/FONT]
[FONT="]The wife says, "What the hell was that?"[/FONT]
[FONT="]The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."[/FONT]
Nc1 nsx.
Considering your "stature" in this community, I am surprised that Acura hasn't made this right by now, DocL. I mean, at worst they could just swap out a new car for yours. Painful.
Sorry, OT, but had to acknowledge your post.
Catholic shampoo
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."
"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it a Catholic shampoo."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."
"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it a Catholic shampoo."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."
A car joke
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream,
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.” :wink:
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream,
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.” :wink:
That's a 4 out of 10, the ending is a let down sir . Keep them coming lol
Good one!
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin .
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?"
"We both got 19 questions correct."
"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down,
'Neither do I'."
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?"
"We both got 19 questions correct."
"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down,
'Neither do I'."
update
Here. With LeRoy.
In church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special
needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front
by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn,
the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my
hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and the
Preacher prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined
in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and
asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing?"
Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
A man was at a grave yard kneeing down in front of a tombstone.
He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"
A passerby knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"
"No, actually I never met him!" replied the man.
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by curiously.
"He was my wife's first husband!"
He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"
A passerby knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"
"No, actually I never met him!" replied the man.
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by curiously.
"He was my wife's first husband!"
The Twins
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I’m John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian draft beers please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, boys"?
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture ..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?
And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
Bartender asks: “Then why keep going to England?”
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I’m John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian draft beers please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, boys"?
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture ..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?
And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
Bartender asks: “Then why keep going to England?”
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Engineers
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don' t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Understanding Engineers #8
Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One student shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both have since flunked out and are now serving in the U.S. Congress.
:biggrin:
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don' t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Understanding Engineers #8
Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One student shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both have since flunked out and are now serving in the U.S. Congress.
:biggrin:
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
--------------
Q: How do you get an 80-year old woman to say the F-word?
A: Yell, "BINGO!"
--------------
Q: Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?
A: He's married.
---------------
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
--------------
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised
--------------
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
-------------
If you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.
-------------
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could see myself doing.
-------------
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First, he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a long limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punch-line.
--------------
Q: How do you get an 80-year old woman to say the F-word?
A: Yell, "BINGO!"
--------------
Q: Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?
A: He's married.
---------------
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
--------------
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised
--------------
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
-------------
If you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.
-------------
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could see myself doing.
-------------
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First, he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a long limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punch-line.
Similar threads
- Sticky
