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Joke of the Day

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
 
Dtrigg said:
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Click to expand...

:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks
up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
 
BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday .


Monica Lewinsky turns 44.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees,
putting everything in her mouth...

They grow up so fast, don't they?
 
A cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an @ssh#le!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for @ssh#le?"

Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!
 
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan was standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
I called my wife at home today and told her "Pack your bags hun I just won the lottery"
She said "should I pack for warm weather or cold weather"
I told her " I do not care as long as you are gone by the time I get there":biggrin:
 
Holiday party and across the room a man sees the beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on. She locks eyes with him and crosses the room, introducing herself as she arrives. She tells him her name is Carmen and he asks if it is a family name. She says that she gave it to herself, having named herself after the things that she loved most in life: cars and men.
"And what is your name? she enquires.
After a long pause for thought he responds, "B.J. Titsandgolf"
 
Last edited:
grybrd said:
"And what is your name? she enquires.
After a long pause for thought he responds, "B.J. Titsandgolf"
Click to expand...

I nearly spit on my monitor when I read that. Nice. :biggrin:
 
White92 said:
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan was standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Click to expand...

LOL but to relate http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDZaWgf_bk0&feature=related
 
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am


'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'


Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.


Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her..

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.


'I was in line behind you at McDonalds.'
 
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!
 
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE




A CALIFORNIA Congressman was seated next to a little girl on
the airplane leaving from DALLAS when he turned to her and
said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up
a conversation with your fellow passenger."


The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly
and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"




"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming or
universal health care" and he smiles smugly.



"OK", she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"



The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."




To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global
warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?"
 
sca037 said:
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!
Click to expand...
:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:
 
passline said:
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks
up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
Click to expand...

I like this one. I think I'll use it as my pick-up line the next time I go out to a night club. :biggrin:
 
Another blond entry...............


During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long and contain at least one capital.
 
not mine, hope its content appropriate

So a man walks into the bedroom with a sheep in tow and says, "I wanted to show you the cow I have sex with when you're not in the mood."

His wife responds, "Ha! You're even stupider than I thought. You're such an idiot that you don't even realize that's not a cow!"

And the man says, "And you're such an insufferable bitch, that you don't even realize that I was talking to the sheep."
 
This one is for Hal, Doug and Ken:

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on tv. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him and said: 'you just don't understand, you old coot... The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.
 
passline said:
This one is for Hal, Doug and Ken:

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on tv. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him and said: 'you just don't understand, you old coot... The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.
Click to expand...

Hay Richard! That's not funny. That actually happened to Ken and his girlfriend a few weeks ago. He's still upset.:wink:
 
Dtrigg said:
Hay Richard! That's not funny. That actually happened to Ken and his girlfriend a few weeks ago. He's still upset.:wink:
Click to expand...
werd: i know this is true because i witnessed ken drinking viagraweiser during our last lunch @ clarke's.
 

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